astra_aurora | MST Six: Couples Therapy (Part Two)

(Author's Note: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Agent Ally belongs to me, and Laburnum belongs chelonianmobile. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Couples Therapy' was written by an unknown author, and I am not that person. Jake, Kankri and Cronus belong to Andrew Hussie.)
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Her clothing flaked off,

JAKE: What the hell was it made of? Paint?
LABURNUM: … I’m getting uncomfortable flashbacks to the Hivefledverse. You know, the bit where-
JAKE: YES WE ALL REMEMBER THAT!
ALLY: I don’t. Tell me more!
JAKE: ARGH! *puts his head in his hands*

and she bent over.

ALLY: *sings* Bend down, I command you, turn your face away from me, your face means nothing to me, bend down-
JAKE: *sings* A human on all fours, I take him for a walk, ambling along the corridor, I am disappointed-
ALLY: How the fuck do you know that song?
JAKE: Ah, the Internet is a marvel of wonders. *winks*
ALLY: ...

Frenchie pulled a bottle of KY jelly from the coffee table, and began to impregnate her anus with it.

JAKE: Wrong organ! Very wrong organ!
LABURNUM: Ew, what, was there sperm in the lube?
ALLY: I wouldn’t put it past them... *shudders*

Then he pushed his member through her salty sphincter,

ALLY: What, was the lube made of sea salt? Ew!
JAKE: And quite unhealthy, I do note.

and they fucked with the enthusiasm of elephants.

ALLY: I assume these would be elephants in musth? I must thank Astral for lending me that... charming little book.
LABURNUM: (sings) How could I be blue? I’ve got my sister at my side, and an elephant to ride!

(The text skips a little)

JAKE: What on Earth?
ALLY: What we’re looking at is the transcribed text of the original story. The transcriber didn’t put it down word for word, but their version is the only one out there, so this is all we get.
JAKE: Ah, I see.

Jeb rolled the couscous between his fingers, examining it as he would a testicle.

ALLY: Hmm, nice shape, decent thickness, but those veins are just too prominent. I’m only giving it six out of ten.
JAKE: Six out of ten what? Boners?
ALLY: Exactly.

“If you fuck me,” he said, “fuck me right in the ass,

ALLY: *chants* What what, in the butt?

we can forget about you fucking my wife.”

LABURNUM: * as Frenchie* What wife?
JAKE: *as Jeb* Well done.

“Why not?” said Frenchie.

LABURNUM: In French.
JAKE: I can think of plenty of reasons why not.

“Lubricate me,” ordered Jeb. He pulled his pants down. They rolled over his ass-petals

ALL: ...

like dewdrops rolling off jasmine. Frenchie lubricated him efficiently,

LABURNUM: What, with the couscous? Ew.
ALLY: You can’t use animals as lube!

and then fucked him. Jeb came before too long,

ALLY: *sings* Before too long, the one that you’re loving, will wish that he’d never met you...

so Frenchie had to finish himself off.

ALLY: A noble sacrifice, but it was for the good of all. *starts to get up* Can I go now-
JAKE: NO!
ALLY: Hmph! *flounces back into her seat*

“Satisfactory,” said Jeb, and leaned against the wall.

(The text skips again)

JAKE: Am I alone in considering this to be right bloody annoying?
ALLY: Eh, it could be worse. We could be reading every single word, twice.
JAKE: Fair point.

“It isn’t right that your marriage should be so unhappy,” said Frenchie.

ALLY: Thank you, Doctor Phil.
JAKE: *imitates Doctor Phil* I need you to tell me about the fucking.
ALLY: Preferably in detail.

“I agree,” said Gertrude.

JAKE: In French!

Jeb pulled off his shirt. “We can make this work,” he said.

ALLY: In French?

He leveled his member against her vagina hole, and waited for Frenchie to lubricate him. Frenchie’s hands were quick and thorough, and his member more so.

ALLY: He’s got a prehensile dick? Wait, I think I’m reading this wrong...
JAKE: Maybe he’s a troll.
ALLY: Wait, they have prehensile dicks? *looks very thoughtful*
LABURNUM: Fanon tends to hold so, but I’ve never confirmed it.
JAKE: Ally, whatever you happen to be thinking, I strongly advise against it.

Before too long they were all fucking, and their marriage was on its way to being healed.

JAKE: Ah, would this be the ‘Magical Healing Cock’ that I have been warned about, perchance?

After they came, they lazed around Frenchie’s house for a while. It was agreed that he would become an integral part of their relationship.

After all, his member was the best of the bunch.

ALLY: How many dicks are there in a bunch? Are they like bananas?
LABURNUM: Well, nobody I know has found out what troll genitals actually look like yet... I wonder if the guys also got pissed off at me because Fovos and I got it wrong?
ALLY: How were you meant to get it right without getting arrested for indecent assault?
LABURNUM: Depends on how I avoided getting caught.
ALLY: Hmmm, aren’t there cameras in the showers at OFUR? Maybe we could...
JAKE: Don’t even think about it.

(The lights go up. Cronus Ampora opens the door and leans in.)

CRONUS: Hey, mop-top, Psiioniic calmed dovwn so I guess you can come ou- (looks at screen) … vwhat the fuck?
ALLY: Oh, hey, Toolscar. What brings you in here?
CRONUS: Vwell, I vwas looking for vwhatsername... (squints at screen) Okay, is that really vwhat human reproduction is like?
(Riffers look at each other.)
JAKE: Yes. Definitely.
ALLY: Always has been, always will be.
CRONUS: … I don’t think I vwant to be one anymore.
JAKE: (whispers) Mission accomplished.
ALLY: (whispers) Good. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want him in my species.
KANKRI: (appears next to them) Hang on for a moment there, you two. *looks at Ally, confused* Uh... what’s your name?
ALLY: I’m Ally. You haven’t seen Karkat around, have you?
KANKRI: No, I’m afraid not- I have a number of things I’d like to talk to him about- but back to the topic at hand. That last phrase you just used was horribly triggering, Ally, and it was a clear example of bias against ‘otherkin’ (careful, that phrase could in itself be triggering) and, indeed, all beings who feel that they are not what their body makes them out to be. You need to warn for such statements in the future, lest you trigger some poor soul by mistake. On that note...
ALLY: (whispers) Do you know this guy?
JAKE: (whispers) Not by choice.
ALLY: (whispers) Is he always like this?
JAKE: (whispers) Haven’t you played Openbound?
ALLY: (whispers) I haven’t had time yet.
JAKE: (whispers) Ah. Yes, he is always like this- in fact, normally it’s worse.
ALLY: (whispers) Oh, for the love of... how can we make him stop?
JAKE: (whispers) Not sure...
LABURNUM: Hey, Vantas? I think you should look at the screen.
KANKRI: (looks at screen) … uh. (blinks)
ALLY: (takes a photo of his expression) I wonder if I can sell this to Meenah or Mituna...
CRONUS: (waves hand in front of Kankri’s face) You still in there?
KANKRI: *dreamily* That’s insulting to people who believe that-
CRONUS: *sighs* Yep, he’s in there. There isn’t, by any chance, any more of this stuff? That, say, vwe could borrovw? Vwe thought of using your stuff but vwe don’t vwant to actually kill him again.
LABURNUM: Would that even work? We did put warnings on the blog, missing those is what sets him off.
ALLY: Two words: ‘corneous beans’.
CRONUS: …
JAKE: … Good name for a band.
ALLY: Yeah, there’s more stories. I’ll text you the link. *takes out her phone*
JAKE: Actually, Kankri, since you’re here, might I perhaps ask... did you have anything to do with all those cakes that Meenah made? The ones where all the words she wrote on them in icing were removed and replaced?
KANKRI: Yes indeed. I felt the need to replace the old, triggering phrases with newer ones that would not cause any alarm.
LABURNUM: You scraped the word “happy” off a kid’s birthday cake.
KANKRI: They might be triggered by being told to be happy!
ALLY: Normally I’d argue against that, but since most of my birthdays were really shitty-
LABURNUM: (under breath) Try my sixteenth.
ALLY: -I can actually agree with you. *to Laburnum* Hey, you didn’t lose any limbs. *to Kankri* The point is, you need permission first.
KANKRI: Or what? Whatever you write on them, I’ll just scrape it back off, so nobody will be triggered.
ALLY: Fine. I’ll tell Meenah, and she’ll fork you. Or I’ll just get Damara to write it in fake troll Japanese, and I’ll get her to draw bulges on your face in troll Sharpie when you sleep if you take the words off again.
KANKRI: You wouldn’t.
ALLY: Look, it’s bad enough that you’re teaching gangsters to be PC in your spare time, but you need to leave that shit out of the OFU.
JAKE: Or at the very least, off the birthday cakes.
ALLY: I mean, fuck, there’s a limit.
LABURNUM: Seriously, you should have seen Pompom’s face. Seeing a kitten-kid cry on xir birthday? More triggering than anything you could come up with, I swear. So no more, or we take a tip from the subjugglators and your sinuses get the Faygo treatment.
ALLY: I have this urge to make a Silence of the Lambs joke... but I’ll be good. No jokes, please.
KANKRI: ...fine. I’ll stop.
JAKE: I’d say something about that not being so hard, but after this... thing...
ALLY: My thoughts exactly.
LABURNUM: Okay, I think it’s time we wrap this up, in that case. Alcohol, or anyone want to be daring and see if sopor slime works on humans?
JAKE: Try it and I will not be the one to drag you to the infirmary.
LABURNUM: Spoilsport.
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(AV: Hi, all! It took us a while, but we finally got this one done! For the record: Pompom is a refugee from the badfic 'For Your Eyes Only', which is a terrible thing of terribleness. I recommend the spork, though. The 'charming' book avatar!me lent Ally is 'Doctor Tatiana's Sex Guide To All Creation' by Olivia Judson, and I heartily recommend the book and the TV show to anyone who wants an educational laugh. We threw in the Homestuck characters for great lulz, and they work rather well, methinks. The 'teaching gangsters to be PC' thing is a reference to this, which in our head canon was Kankri's doing. Hope you enjoyed it!)