MST Six: Couples Therapy (Part One)
Dec. 31st, 2012 11:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_aurora(Author's Note: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Agent Ally belongs to me, and Laburnum belongs t ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chelonianmobile. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Couples Therapy' was written by an unknown author, and I am not that person. Jake, Kankri and Cronus belong to Andrew Hussie.)
----
chelonianmobile. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Couples Therapy' was written by an unknown author, and I am not that person. Jake, Kankri and Cronus belong to Andrew Hussie.)----
(Scene: PPC MST Theatre. Laburnum is lying under the front row of seats. Enter Ally, who walks in, looks around curiously, and pauses.)
ALLY: Could have sworn I heard screaming in here... Hello? Anyone in here?
LABURNUM: Hey there. Don’t mind me, just hiding out here till the troll crew leave HQ. For some reason they don’t like me.
ALLY: (leans under the seats) Huh. Wait, you’re that crazy bint who walks around with the three-armed fox pelt, aren’t you? The one who took on That Series and raped a guy to death with trees?
LABURNUM: Yeah, that’s me. Do me a favour and don’t bring the tree thing up in front of the Flowers, they get mad. Something about defaming sapient plant life. I seem to have this amazing ability to piss people off.
ALLY: Hang on. We’re talking about trees that rape people to death, and the Flowers say you’re defaming them? *shakes head* Freaking plants. Anyway, what’s your name again? Rhododendron? Hydrangea? Osmanthus? Something floral...
LABURNUM: It’s Laburnum. Holdover from my Redwall days. Aren’t you going to ask why I’ve upset everyone this time? Usually people ask and then regret it.
ALLY: Hmmm... let me guess. You made some jokes about the mating habits of redback spiders to Vriska?
LABURNUM: Uh, no, but that’s actually a pretty fun-sounding idea if I can figure out how many light years away a safe distance would be... No, see, I also go by Chelonianmobile or Chel. You haven’t by any chance encountered a Homestuck fic by the title of “Hivefled”?
ALLY: Yeah, actually. Great fic, by the way- and you get lots of points for imaginative gore. Takes me back to the good old days in the arena... so, I guess Gamzee and the Grand Highblood saw it and got pissed off?
LABURNUM: Actually, Gamzee’s fine with it, he likes the attention. And honestly I’m kind of freaked out by how not-freaked-out GH was. It’s just that Psiioniic saw what we have planned for him, and even in comparison with what he canonically got, it ain’t pretty. I’ve taken beatings from PO’d canonicals before, but I’m not keen to face someone who can set me on fire with his brain.
ALLY: I have this sudden urge to quote Firefly...
LABURNUM: Also kind of hoping nobody tells Eridan what we have planned for him. That won’t end well.
ALLY: Why, what do you have planned for him?
LABURNUM: Long spoilery story involving a lot of public and private humiliation and physical pain, except in a slightly funnier way than Gamzee got.
ALLY: Ooh, sounds like fun. I look forward to it. I’m Ally, by the way.
(Enter Jake, who sees Ally and looks rather confused.)
JAKE: Forgive me, but might I ask what the fucking Dickens you are doing?
ALLY: *straightens up* Oh, hi, Jake. I’m talking to Laburnum.
JAKE: ...Why did you name the chair Laburnum?
ALLY: She’s under the chair, silly.
LABURNUM: Hi. Should I come out now?
ALLY: Your choice. *tries not to smirk*
(Laburnum crawls out from under the chairs and waves.)
JAKE: Oh, hi! I know you, you’re the one Psiioniic’s trying to murder, right?
LABURNUM: Don’t remind me.
JAKE: Oh, and Kurloz Makara saw your work too, and he’s locked himself in the bathroom. Either he’s freaking out or he’s... not, and I think we’d do well to avoid ever asking which one applies. (shudders) Trolls.
ALLY: ...ick. So, is it safe to leave, or should we stay in here for a while? I’ve got this story I need to MST...
LABURNUM: Hey, I’m always up for a riff or two. I’ll stick around if you want.
ALLY: Awesome. Jake, do you mind giving us a hand?
JAKE: Sounds... intriguing. What is this malady we must peruse?
ALLY: It’s a work of original fiction by an unknown author, part of a series known only as the ‘Three-Ring Binder’ stories. Basically, it’s terrible porn. Exactly the kind of thing we love to MST.
*everyone sits down*
ALLY: Hi, I’m Ally Malet...
LABURNUM: I’m Laburnum...
JAKE: I’m Jake English, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!
LABURNUM: Wrong comic.
JAKE: Spoilsport.
ALLY: Heh. Anyway, welcome to Mystery Science Theatre! Today, it’s back to the Three-Ring Binder stories. If I say anything more, these two will run for it, so let’s go!
JAKE: Wait, what?
ALLY: *cheerfully* No time for questions!
*a countdown appears: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...*
ALLY: We’ve got bullshit sign!
JAKE: I thought it was meant to be ‘badfic sign’?
ALLY: This isn’t badfic, so we had to make it up as we went along.
JAKE: Ah, I see.
Gertrude was married, but her love had long since calcified.
ALLY: *searches through her bag, takes out a dictionary and flicks through it* Her love turned into calcium carbonate? Wow, that’s got to be a rocky marriage.
JAKE: That was terrible.
ALLY: Thank you.
She had been eyeing her coworker, a French immigrant named Frenchie Rice,
ALLY: Frenchie... Rice. Sounds like a pornstar who pretends to be French.
for some time now, thinking he might be an appropriate fuck-mate.
ALLY: I’m no expert, but doesn’t that normally get you fired?
JAKE: ‘Fuck-mate’? What malarkey is this?
He was a strong man, with wrists like erect members.
JAKE: (looks at wrists) … Uh...? In what manner? Wrinkly? Purplish? Curving to the right?
LABURNUM: Please tell me this was written by a very, very sheltered lesbian.
ALLY: The sad thing is, I can actually see that being plausible.
Eventually she decided he would do, and she approached him.
LABURNUM: “He would do”. How romantic.
“My marriage is loveless,” she said. “I could really use your help.”
ALLY: She didn’t even say please!
JAKE: What a fucking impolite harridan.
Frenchie looked at her appraisingly. “Come to my house tomorrow night.
ALLY: *sings* I met you on a Thursday, Friday I took you home, Saturday I’m begging you, baby, just leave me alone...
Arrangements will have been made,” he said in French.
ALLY: Attention must be paid!
JAKE: This is an abuse of language up with which I will not put!
Gertrude spent the next afternoon masturbating in preparation.
LABURNUM: Thus defeating the purpose somewhat?
When she got to Frenchie’s house, he greeted her with a long French kiss.
ALLY: Of course!
“Do you suppose we could …?” she asked.
JAKE: In French.
Her eyes were as plaintive as any erection.
ALLY: So erections beg now? In my experience, they usually don’t communicate...
“Of course, mesdames,” he said.
JAKE: In French.
----
(AV: Hi! Sorry about the split, but it was too big for one post. :( )
ALLY: Could have sworn I heard screaming in here... Hello? Anyone in here?
LABURNUM: Hey there. Don’t mind me, just hiding out here till the troll crew leave HQ. For some reason they don’t like me.
ALLY: (leans under the seats) Huh. Wait, you’re that crazy bint who walks around with the three-armed fox pelt, aren’t you? The one who took on That Series and raped a guy to death with trees?
LABURNUM: Yeah, that’s me. Do me a favour and don’t bring the tree thing up in front of the Flowers, they get mad. Something about defaming sapient plant life. I seem to have this amazing ability to piss people off.
ALLY: Hang on. We’re talking about trees that rape people to death, and the Flowers say you’re defaming them? *shakes head* Freaking plants. Anyway, what’s your name again? Rhododendron? Hydrangea? Osmanthus? Something floral...
LABURNUM: It’s Laburnum. Holdover from my Redwall days. Aren’t you going to ask why I’ve upset everyone this time? Usually people ask and then regret it.
ALLY: Hmmm... let me guess. You made some jokes about the mating habits of redback spiders to Vriska?
LABURNUM: Uh, no, but that’s actually a pretty fun-sounding idea if I can figure out how many light years away a safe distance would be... No, see, I also go by Chelonianmobile or Chel. You haven’t by any chance encountered a Homestuck fic by the title of “Hivefled”?
ALLY: Yeah, actually. Great fic, by the way- and you get lots of points for imaginative gore. Takes me back to the good old days in the arena... so, I guess Gamzee and the Grand Highblood saw it and got pissed off?
LABURNUM: Actually, Gamzee’s fine with it, he likes the attention. And honestly I’m kind of freaked out by how not-freaked-out GH was. It’s just that Psiioniic saw what we have planned for him, and even in comparison with what he canonically got, it ain’t pretty. I’ve taken beatings from PO’d canonicals before, but I’m not keen to face someone who can set me on fire with his brain.
ALLY: I have this sudden urge to quote Firefly...
LABURNUM: Also kind of hoping nobody tells Eridan what we have planned for him. That won’t end well.
ALLY: Why, what do you have planned for him?
LABURNUM: Long spoilery story involving a lot of public and private humiliation and physical pain, except in a slightly funnier way than Gamzee got.
ALLY: Ooh, sounds like fun. I look forward to it. I’m Ally, by the way.
(Enter Jake, who sees Ally and looks rather confused.)
JAKE: Forgive me, but might I ask what the fucking Dickens you are doing?
ALLY: *straightens up* Oh, hi, Jake. I’m talking to Laburnum.
JAKE: ...Why did you name the chair Laburnum?
ALLY: She’s under the chair, silly.
LABURNUM: Hi. Should I come out now?
ALLY: Your choice. *tries not to smirk*
(Laburnum crawls out from under the chairs and waves.)
JAKE: Oh, hi! I know you, you’re the one Psiioniic’s trying to murder, right?
LABURNUM: Don’t remind me.
JAKE: Oh, and Kurloz Makara saw your work too, and he’s locked himself in the bathroom. Either he’s freaking out or he’s... not, and I think we’d do well to avoid ever asking which one applies. (shudders) Trolls.
ALLY: ...ick. So, is it safe to leave, or should we stay in here for a while? I’ve got this story I need to MST...
LABURNUM: Hey, I’m always up for a riff or two. I’ll stick around if you want.
ALLY: Awesome. Jake, do you mind giving us a hand?
JAKE: Sounds... intriguing. What is this malady we must peruse?
ALLY: It’s a work of original fiction by an unknown author, part of a series known only as the ‘Three-Ring Binder’ stories. Basically, it’s terrible porn. Exactly the kind of thing we love to MST.
*everyone sits down*
ALLY: Hi, I’m Ally Malet...
LABURNUM: I’m Laburnum...
JAKE: I’m Jake English, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!
LABURNUM: Wrong comic.
JAKE: Spoilsport.
ALLY: Heh. Anyway, welcome to Mystery Science Theatre! Today, it’s back to the Three-Ring Binder stories. If I say anything more, these two will run for it, so let’s go!
JAKE: Wait, what?
ALLY: *cheerfully* No time for questions!
*a countdown appears: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...*
ALLY: We’ve got bullshit sign!
JAKE: I thought it was meant to be ‘badfic sign’?
ALLY: This isn’t badfic, so we had to make it up as we went along.
JAKE: Ah, I see.
Gertrude was married, but her love had long since calcified.
ALLY: *searches through her bag, takes out a dictionary and flicks through it* Her love turned into calcium carbonate? Wow, that’s got to be a rocky marriage.
JAKE: That was terrible.
ALLY: Thank you.
She had been eyeing her coworker, a French immigrant named Frenchie Rice,
ALLY: Frenchie... Rice. Sounds like a pornstar who pretends to be French.
for some time now, thinking he might be an appropriate fuck-mate.
ALLY: I’m no expert, but doesn’t that normally get you fired?
JAKE: ‘Fuck-mate’? What malarkey is this?
He was a strong man, with wrists like erect members.
JAKE: (looks at wrists) … Uh...? In what manner? Wrinkly? Purplish? Curving to the right?
LABURNUM: Please tell me this was written by a very, very sheltered lesbian.
ALLY: The sad thing is, I can actually see that being plausible.
Eventually she decided he would do, and she approached him.
LABURNUM: “He would do”. How romantic.
“My marriage is loveless,” she said. “I could really use your help.”
ALLY: She didn’t even say please!
JAKE: What a fucking impolite harridan.
Frenchie looked at her appraisingly. “Come to my house tomorrow night.
ALLY: *sings* I met you on a Thursday, Friday I took you home, Saturday I’m begging you, baby, just leave me alone...
Arrangements will have been made,” he said in French.
ALLY: Attention must be paid!
JAKE: This is an abuse of language up with which I will not put!
Gertrude spent the next afternoon masturbating in preparation.
LABURNUM: Thus defeating the purpose somewhat?
When she got to Frenchie’s house, he greeted her with a long French kiss.
ALLY: Of course!
“Do you suppose we could …?” she asked.
JAKE: In French.
Her eyes were as plaintive as any erection.
ALLY: So erections beg now? In my experience, they usually don’t communicate...
“Of course, mesdames,” he said.
JAKE: In French.
----
(AV: Hi! Sorry about the split, but it was too big for one post. :( )
