Fifty Shades Feckless: Chapter One
Dec. 12th, 2012 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraWelcome back, bitches! It's time for Fifty Shades Feckless, the final instalment of this fucking goddamn trilogy!
Look, I'm tired, OK?
Let's get to it.
We begin with a short prologue of kid!Grey, the day he finds his mother dead. I have no idea if four-year-olds (especially abused and socially restrained four-year-olds) would actually speak like this, but given that I hate kids and have little to no knowledge of their mentalities (and I really don't remember much of my childhood, thank God), I really can't speculate. It's probably wrong, anyway, considering what kind of book we're in. It tells us nothing we didn't already know- his mother died, he got stuck there for ages, blah blah blah. Anyway, Ana wakes Grey up, and he's all grateful and shit. And now we go into Chapter fucking One.
The setting is Monaco. Ana and Grey, now married, are in Monaco for their honeymoon, staying on a luxury ferry they're renting. I was going to scream at Ana for describing the sky as 'Mediterranean blue', until I looked Monaco up and found that it's actually a city-state in France, not a country near Israel, like I thought. And now I know. Anyway, Ana flashes back to just after his proposal in the boathouse. Grey wants to get married the next day, and with that, I'll just take a second to rant like the ranter I am.
People, Grey and Ana have been together for like a month at this point. As Eyes so wisely put it, 'A month, or two months, is not a relationship, it's a fling'. Getting married the day after the proposal and proposing after being together for a month is exactly the kind of crazy shit that young, tormented idiots throw themselves into, which is why I'm rather tempted to refer to Ana as Kim Kardashian and Grey as Britney Spears for the rest of this.
In short: This is a really fucking bad idea. Live together first. Get used to each other- I mean really used to each other. Don't fucking rush things.
Anyway, Grey asks Ana what kind of wedding she wants. She wants a small wedding, with just friends and family. Good choice. He asks where, and when she has no idea, he suggests his parents' place, mainly because they'd love it. That's decided, so they go onto a 'when', and decide on a month.
*sigh*
Back in the present, Grey pulls Ana's sun lounge back into the shade, because she's getting burned. There's some flirting and shit- he's all 'If you get burned, then I won't be able to touch you' and I'm all 'yawn'. She gets him to rub some more sunscreen onto her back, and then asks him how he'd feel if she went topless, like all the other women on the beach. And, being the fucker he is, he doesn't like it.
"Displeased," he says without hesitation. "I'm not very happy about you wearing so little right now." He leans down and whispers in my ear. "Don't push your luck."
"Is that a challenge, Mr Grey?"
"No. It's a statement of fact, Mrs Grey."
Oh, and he calls her 'wench'.
Fuck you to hell and back, Grey.
Anyway, Ana falls asleep, and when she wakes up, Grey decides that it's time to go for a swim. Being Grey, he picks her up and carries her into the sea despite her telling him to put her down, and then it's time for some casual racism!
Several sunbathers watch with that bemused disinterest so typical, I now realise, of the French, as Christian carries me to the sea, laughing, and wades in.
Fuck you, James.
Anyway, Ana thought he wanted to swim, but no, he wants sex. Actually, he doesn't, since the sunbathers are now getting kinda interested. Instead, he throws her in and swims off. Her revenge is to go back to shore, take her top off and recline.
Flashback to the wedding, just after they're officially married. They're all happy and shit, and Grey tells her not to let anyone else take her dress off except him. Just... what? Seriously, what?
Anyway, everyone's there, everything's going fine, until Ana sees Ray and Carla dancing together. She's understandably depressed, which Kate notes. Kate helps her cheer up, and then Grey comes over. He wants to leave. Grace gets them to dance with Christian's grandparents, and then Ana talks to Jose, who's being a good friend and wishing her all the best. Look, he may be a prick, but...
Actually, you know what? When the downtrodden love not-interest who gets drunk and sexually assaults our just-as-drunk protagonist- who made it clear that she's not into him- is one of the most likeable characters in your series, you've got serious problems. Just saying.
Anyway, Grey pulls her away to go pack for the honeymoon. We find out that Ana's vows had no mention of 'obeying' her husband, but apparently they had one big-ass fight over it. I hate Grey so much.
Anyway- I say that way too much- Ray and Carla congratulate them. They're so sweet. Ana and Grey leave, and get on a company plane. Their first destination is Shannon (Ireland), then London, then Paris, then 'the south of France' (Monaco). Basically, he's taking her to Europe, the place she always wanted to go. What about him? Doesn't his desires figure in this?
Aaaand we have sex. They ate, then Grey takes her to the bedroom on the plane so he can do a new first- fucking in mid-air. Yay.
Oh, and we get some pure narm.
Between each kiss he murmurs, "I. Want. You. So. Much. I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You. You. Are. Mine."
Try not to break something with your laughter.
Also, 'sex' should never be used to mean 'genitalia'. Not only does it sound like a really bad attempt as censorship, it's also really juvenile, like a twelve-year-old who doesn't want to say 'vagina'.
We get some more narm- "You. Make. Me. So. Happy. I. Love. You." and then they fuck. Wow. How utterly surprising.
Ana wakes up to find that Grey is back from his swim. She's topless, and he's mad. Le gasp.
That was Chapter One. Oh, we're off to a good start.
Look, I'm tired, OK?
Let's get to it.
We begin with a short prologue of kid!Grey, the day he finds his mother dead. I have no idea if four-year-olds (especially abused and socially restrained four-year-olds) would actually speak like this, but given that I hate kids and have little to no knowledge of their mentalities (and I really don't remember much of my childhood, thank God), I really can't speculate. It's probably wrong, anyway, considering what kind of book we're in. It tells us nothing we didn't already know- his mother died, he got stuck there for ages, blah blah blah. Anyway, Ana wakes Grey up, and he's all grateful and shit. And now we go into Chapter fucking One.
The setting is Monaco. Ana and Grey, now married, are in Monaco for their honeymoon, staying on a luxury ferry they're renting. I was going to scream at Ana for describing the sky as 'Mediterranean blue', until I looked Monaco up and found that it's actually a city-state in France, not a country near Israel, like I thought. And now I know. Anyway, Ana flashes back to just after his proposal in the boathouse. Grey wants to get married the next day, and with that, I'll just take a second to rant like the ranter I am.
People, Grey and Ana have been together for like a month at this point. As Eyes so wisely put it, 'A month, or two months, is not a relationship, it's a fling'. Getting married the day after the proposal and proposing after being together for a month is exactly the kind of crazy shit that young, tormented idiots throw themselves into, which is why I'm rather tempted to refer to Ana as Kim Kardashian and Grey as Britney Spears for the rest of this.
In short: This is a really fucking bad idea. Live together first. Get used to each other- I mean really used to each other. Don't fucking rush things.
Anyway, Grey asks Ana what kind of wedding she wants. She wants a small wedding, with just friends and family. Good choice. He asks where, and when she has no idea, he suggests his parents' place, mainly because they'd love it. That's decided, so they go onto a 'when', and decide on a month.
*sigh*
Back in the present, Grey pulls Ana's sun lounge back into the shade, because she's getting burned. There's some flirting and shit- he's all 'If you get burned, then I won't be able to touch you' and I'm all 'yawn'. She gets him to rub some more sunscreen onto her back, and then asks him how he'd feel if she went topless, like all the other women on the beach. And, being the fucker he is, he doesn't like it.
"Displeased," he says without hesitation. "I'm not very happy about you wearing so little right now." He leans down and whispers in my ear. "Don't push your luck."
"Is that a challenge, Mr Grey?"
"No. It's a statement of fact, Mrs Grey."
Oh, and he calls her 'wench'.
Fuck you to hell and back, Grey.
Anyway, Ana falls asleep, and when she wakes up, Grey decides that it's time to go for a swim. Being Grey, he picks her up and carries her into the sea despite her telling him to put her down, and then it's time for some casual racism!
Several sunbathers watch with that bemused disinterest so typical, I now realise, of the French, as Christian carries me to the sea, laughing, and wades in.
Fuck you, James.
Anyway, Ana thought he wanted to swim, but no, he wants sex. Actually, he doesn't, since the sunbathers are now getting kinda interested. Instead, he throws her in and swims off. Her revenge is to go back to shore, take her top off and recline.
Flashback to the wedding, just after they're officially married. They're all happy and shit, and Grey tells her not to let anyone else take her dress off except him. Just... what? Seriously, what?
Anyway, everyone's there, everything's going fine, until Ana sees Ray and Carla dancing together. She's understandably depressed, which Kate notes. Kate helps her cheer up, and then Grey comes over. He wants to leave. Grace gets them to dance with Christian's grandparents, and then Ana talks to Jose, who's being a good friend and wishing her all the best. Look, he may be a prick, but...
Actually, you know what? When the downtrodden love not-interest who gets drunk and sexually assaults our just-as-drunk protagonist- who made it clear that she's not into him- is one of the most likeable characters in your series, you've got serious problems. Just saying.
Anyway, Grey pulls her away to go pack for the honeymoon. We find out that Ana's vows had no mention of 'obeying' her husband, but apparently they had one big-ass fight over it. I hate Grey so much.
Anyway- I say that way too much- Ray and Carla congratulate them. They're so sweet. Ana and Grey leave, and get on a company plane. Their first destination is Shannon (Ireland), then London, then Paris, then 'the south of France' (Monaco). Basically, he's taking her to Europe, the place she always wanted to go. What about him? Doesn't his desires figure in this?
Aaaand we have sex. They ate, then Grey takes her to the bedroom on the plane so he can do a new first- fucking in mid-air. Yay.
Oh, and we get some pure narm.
Between each kiss he murmurs, "I. Want. You. So. Much. I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You. You. Are. Mine."
Try not to break something with your laughter.
Also, 'sex' should never be used to mean 'genitalia'. Not only does it sound like a really bad attempt as censorship, it's also really juvenile, like a twelve-year-old who doesn't want to say 'vagina'.
We get some more narm- "You. Make. Me. So. Happy. I. Love. You." and then they fuck. Wow. How utterly surprising.
Ana wakes up to find that Grey is back from his swim. She's topless, and he's mad. Le gasp.
That was Chapter One. Oh, we're off to a good start.
