MST Five: Reparations (Midnight Calliope)
Dec. 8th, 2012 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_aurora(Author's Note: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Agent Grace belongs to me, while Nurse Val belongs to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chelonianmobile. Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Reparations' was written by an author whose identity I don't know, but I can safely say that it wasn't me. 'Midnight Calliope' belongs to someone whose identity I don't know, but they are also not me.)
----
chelonianmobile. Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Joel Hodgson and Best Brains, Inc. 'Reparations' was written by an author whose identity I don't know, but I can safely say that it wasn't me. 'Midnight Calliope' belongs to someone whose identity I don't know, but they are also not me.)----
(SCENE: The PPC MST Theatre. Agent Grace and Nurse Val are sitting in the front row.)
GRACE: Hi, I’m Grace Leon...
VAL: And I’m Valerie Christaki...
BOTH: And welcome to Mystery Science Theatre.
GRACE: Today we’re sporking some really terrible fiction. It’s a part of the ‘Three-Ring Binder’ stories, a series of terrible porn written by an unknown author. If you’re wondering why Ally isn’t here, it’s because she got called over to FicPsych, so I asked Val to help out instead.
(a countdown appears: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...)
BOTH: We’ve got bullshit sign!
Reparations
GRACE: I’m sensing dubious negotiations here...
The day King Arthur discovered that his wife was having an affair with Sir Lancelot, the air was hot and humid, like the inside of a vagina.
VAL: (looks down at crotch) Um …
GRACE: *blinks* As comparisons go, that’s not one I’d like to verify.
VAL: I’ve experienced plenty, and let me tell you, it’s not an apt comparison. The vagina is a wonderful thing, but I don’t want to be standing in weather like one. And, uh, a vagina is the “inside” by definition - the outside is the vulva.
It was unusual weather, and it helped to sear the memory into his mind.
VAL: Well, no duh it’s unusual.
GRACE: Sear? With what? A mind poker? A sex brand?
He decided to demand recompense.
GRACE: As opposed to exiling or at least punishing Lancelot and divorcing the Queen for adultery? Man, this guy is soft.
“Lancelot, old boy! I know what you’ve been doing with the Queen!” the King shouted across the tourney grounds, where Lancelot was practicing.
GRACE: Right, so you’re going to tell everyone that your wife is adulterous. You’re an idiot. Well, all right, unless you plan to challenge him to a duel or have him executed for nailing your wife, of course.
“My liege?” said Lancelot. From the practice, sweat was pooling on the tops of his ears, and dribbling down like cascades.
GRACE: That is not healthy. Or remotely attractive.
“Never mind apologies. I’ll forgive you in exchange for your rectum.”
VAL: Sorry, I only have a duodenum here. Will that do for now? (produces a length of intestine from her handbag)
GRACE: *stares at Val, slightly horrified* Where did you get that, and why do you have it?
VAL: Molly Rath came over for lunch. (puts intestine away, digs out hand gel, and scrubs hands) ‘Scuse me. Feeding carnivores is a pain.
Lancelot’s eyes widened like spinning tires. “Of course, sire,” he said. He stripped from his armor and leaned over the practice dummy with which he had been sparring.
GRACE: Spinning tires... which they didn’t have in that time period. And how exactly do you spar with a practice dummy, anyway?
VAL: Maybe it’s a giant steam-powered multi-armed dummy like that one in Girl Genius? I must say, Lancelot seems remarkably unconcerned about this situation.
GRACE: Great, now I’m wondering what Spark-made lube would be like.
VAL: Probably not safe for internal use.
He was still sweaty from practice, and looked as though one of the castle’s maidservants had rubbed him down with cod liver oil.
VAL: Smelling of fish?
GRACE: Ick.
The King examined him appreciatively.
GRACE: Well, sure, if hot, sweaty men who’ve been fucking your wife is your thing...
“Jolly good,” he said. He reached out to cup Lancelot’s scrotum, and swirled the testes like chi gong balls. “We’ll need to ease the passage, however.”
GRACE: Do I want to know what a chi gong ball is? And how do you swirl testes?
VAL: Little balls with bells in which you’re supposed to spin around in your hand for relaxation and blood circulation. Not a good idea to try that with testes. (wince) Those things are attached, y’know.
GRACE: Mmmm, and they don’t make music either, no matter how hard you hit them.
The King reached into his robes, and pulled out a potion. “This was given to me by the wizard Merlin,” he said. “He told me that I would need it someday.
GRACE: My king! I see Lancelot’s naked arse in your future! Take this potion, for only with its aid will you be able to overcome the might of his sphincter and thrust your way to victory!
As ever, he was right; frighteningly useful chap, that Merlin.”
GRACE: *as Merlin* My king, I am always happy to be in your service, but... I do actually have another purpose than as a lube factory.
He looked down at the swollen globes of Lancelot’s ass, each as taut as a pregnant belly.
GRACE: I don’t want to know.
The King slapped each one, as though to inspire the child inside to take its first breath.
GRACE: Wait, this is MPreg? No one told me this was MPreg!
Lancelot moaned. The King reached into the potion bottle, and lathered its contents inside Lancelot’s anus.
VAL: Hang on, if you have to apply it like normal lube, what’s magic about it?
GRACE: Maybe it’s made of sunshine and rainbows, and it magically removes any and all complications involving anal sex, and leaves both partners with fresh breath and complementary chocolates.
VAL: Hm, pity the PPC don’t do original fiction. I’d have to ask whoever got this one to steal that stuff for lab testing. We could make a fortune.
GRACE: *sighs* I know, right?
“I’ll reclaim my honor and we can be done with this mess, then,” said the King, and thrust his member through the sphincter.
GRACE: Something about that last sentence makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
They fucked for a while, while Lancelot pumped the length of his own member, since the King wouldn’t do it for him.
VAL: (tuts) Chivalry is dead.
The King licked the sweat from the curve of Lancelot’s ears.
VAL: Ear fetish. There’s something you don’t see every day.
GRACE: He licked the sweat... ew.
Eventually they both came. Lancelot redressed manfully and they made their way back to the castle, once again the best of friends.
GRACE: How do you redress manfully? Were his clothes full of men?
VAL: Well, they’d be full of at least one man once he put them on.
GRACE: Much like his arse.
--
(After some banal male bonding, Arthur and Lancelot decide to ask Queen Guinevere for a threesome.)
--
“How would you like to try something new in bed, poppet?” the King asked.
Guinevere eyed Lancelot. “My lord?”
GRACE: I picked him up at the market, and I thought you might like a go.
“I thought our old chum Lancelot might want to join in,” the King said, and Guinevere’s eyes lit up like sun-drenched meadows.
GRACE: Please say the author meant ‘lit up’ as in ‘set on fire’.
It was agreed, then. They ordered the servants to make a wooden cylinder of approximately a cubit in length, and sand it down until there was no chance it would splinter.
VAL: (wince) Er, a cubit’s as long as a person’s forearm. Shouldn’t she start out with something smaller?
GRACE: It’s how long? Holy fucking hell!
VAL: Well, to be fair, they used to measure them depending on the individual’s arm length, so maybe she just has really short arms? … That seems somehow incomplete without a thalidomide joke, but no, I have my limits.
The device was delivered within the hour.
GRACE: OK, this might be just me, but if you have to wait an hour before you can do it, wouldn’t it just be more practical to find something else to do instead?
VAL: Or at least do something else in the meantime?
Lancelot secured to the floor,
VAL: Ooh, hey - random bondage.
and the men had Guinevere kneel over it. She lowered her vagina over the pole, so that her ass was plump to be fucked by the King, and she could pleasure Lancelot orally.
GRACE: Plump makes me think of chickens.
“This is really just plummy, isn’t it, Vera?” said the King as he filled her with Merlin’s potion.
VAL: Are we sure this is original fic? I’m getting Monty Python flashbacks. And kind of hoping the bunny shows up.
GRACE: Yeah, this seems too ludicrous to be authentic. Cheerio, what what?
Lancelot was on the ground, sucking at her breasts. He circled his tongue over her ripe areolae, as though he was demarcating a border.
GRACE: I’m suddenly having flashbacks to Memoirs of a Geisha...
“Oh, yes,” she said.
VAL: Well, she sounds enthusiastic.
When her anus was sufficiently lubricated, the King pushed his member into her. She groaned with delight. Lancelot stood up so that Guinevere would have access to his member. She licked the pre-ejaculate from the head, coyly, before devouring it whole.
GRACE: Holy fuck ow! Nobody said there was going to be vore in this!
The men thrust, Guinevere moaned and licked.
VAL: (monotone) OH. OH. OH. AH. AH. AH. AH. AH. THIS SEXUAL STIMULATION IS GENERATING A CLIMACTIC EVENT.
GRACE: *deadpan* Oh baby. Take me harder. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Yes. Oh.
Within ten minutes they had all come sufficiently, and they drew out. Guinevere lifted herself off the pole, and gave both the King and the knight a hug in thanks before retiring to her own quarters, presumably to masturbate.
VAL: Sheesh, were they that bad?
GRACE: Somehow, I don’t think anyone who has sex in any of these stories will be satisfied.
“I don’t think I’ve ever fully appreciated what a feisty woman my Vera is, old boy,” said the King appreciatively. “I must say you’ve livened up the evening.”
“Thank you, my liege,” said Lancelot, and they both went to bed.
VAL: Well, at least this time nobody was randomly French.
GRACE: You have a point. I suppose that’s one good thing about this mess. Still, the stereotypical English phrases didn’t help.
VAL: That and the ear thing is making me picture them as Mossverse hares now. I’m not sure whether that makes it worse or not.
GRACE: ...it makes it worse. Definitely. *her phone buzzes* Hang on. *she opens her phone* Hello? Oh, hi, Ally. What? Really? Ah, shit. OK, I’ll be there in a second. *she closes her phone* Sorry. The Floating Hyacinth has demanded my presence, so I have to go. God knows what it’s for this time- I told her it wasn’t my fault he was radioactive. She just never stops blaming me.
VAL: Okay, see you around. Oh, one more thing - you know what would have made this thing so much better? The Holy Hand Grenade.
GRACE: *stares at her for a second before laughing hysterically* Oh God yes. Thanks for helping out, this wouldn’t have been as fun if you weren’t here. *she starts to leave and stops.* See you around, I guess. *she leaves*
VAL: Well, that was... *dons sunglasses* anti-climactic.
----
(AV: Hey, everyone! This one's been overdue for a looooong time- Chel and I started writing it ages ago, then things happened and it got left on the backburner. Thankfully, we've finished, finally! Hope you like it!)
GRACE: Hi, I’m Grace Leon...
VAL: And I’m Valerie Christaki...
BOTH: And welcome to Mystery Science Theatre.
GRACE: Today we’re sporking some really terrible fiction. It’s a part of the ‘Three-Ring Binder’ stories, a series of terrible porn written by an unknown author. If you’re wondering why Ally isn’t here, it’s because she got called over to FicPsych, so I asked Val to help out instead.
(a countdown appears: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...)
BOTH: We’ve got bullshit sign!
Reparations
GRACE: I’m sensing dubious negotiations here...
The day King Arthur discovered that his wife was having an affair with Sir Lancelot, the air was hot and humid, like the inside of a vagina.
VAL: (looks down at crotch) Um …
GRACE: *blinks* As comparisons go, that’s not one I’d like to verify.
VAL: I’ve experienced plenty, and let me tell you, it’s not an apt comparison. The vagina is a wonderful thing, but I don’t want to be standing in weather like one. And, uh, a vagina is the “inside” by definition - the outside is the vulva.
It was unusual weather, and it helped to sear the memory into his mind.
VAL: Well, no duh it’s unusual.
GRACE: Sear? With what? A mind poker? A sex brand?
He decided to demand recompense.
GRACE: As opposed to exiling or at least punishing Lancelot and divorcing the Queen for adultery? Man, this guy is soft.
“Lancelot, old boy! I know what you’ve been doing with the Queen!” the King shouted across the tourney grounds, where Lancelot was practicing.
GRACE: Right, so you’re going to tell everyone that your wife is adulterous. You’re an idiot. Well, all right, unless you plan to challenge him to a duel or have him executed for nailing your wife, of course.
“My liege?” said Lancelot. From the practice, sweat was pooling on the tops of his ears, and dribbling down like cascades.
GRACE: That is not healthy. Or remotely attractive.
“Never mind apologies. I’ll forgive you in exchange for your rectum.”
VAL: Sorry, I only have a duodenum here. Will that do for now? (produces a length of intestine from her handbag)
GRACE: *stares at Val, slightly horrified* Where did you get that, and why do you have it?
VAL: Molly Rath came over for lunch. (puts intestine away, digs out hand gel, and scrubs hands) ‘Scuse me. Feeding carnivores is a pain.
Lancelot’s eyes widened like spinning tires. “Of course, sire,” he said. He stripped from his armor and leaned over the practice dummy with which he had been sparring.
GRACE: Spinning tires... which they didn’t have in that time period. And how exactly do you spar with a practice dummy, anyway?
VAL: Maybe it’s a giant steam-powered multi-armed dummy like that one in Girl Genius? I must say, Lancelot seems remarkably unconcerned about this situation.
GRACE: Great, now I’m wondering what Spark-made lube would be like.
VAL: Probably not safe for internal use.
He was still sweaty from practice, and looked as though one of the castle’s maidservants had rubbed him down with cod liver oil.
VAL: Smelling of fish?
GRACE: Ick.
The King examined him appreciatively.
GRACE: Well, sure, if hot, sweaty men who’ve been fucking your wife is your thing...
“Jolly good,” he said. He reached out to cup Lancelot’s scrotum, and swirled the testes like chi gong balls. “We’ll need to ease the passage, however.”
GRACE: Do I want to know what a chi gong ball is? And how do you swirl testes?
VAL: Little balls with bells in which you’re supposed to spin around in your hand for relaxation and blood circulation. Not a good idea to try that with testes. (wince) Those things are attached, y’know.
GRACE: Mmmm, and they don’t make music either, no matter how hard you hit them.
The King reached into his robes, and pulled out a potion. “This was given to me by the wizard Merlin,” he said. “He told me that I would need it someday.
GRACE: My king! I see Lancelot’s naked arse in your future! Take this potion, for only with its aid will you be able to overcome the might of his sphincter and thrust your way to victory!
As ever, he was right; frighteningly useful chap, that Merlin.”
GRACE: *as Merlin* My king, I am always happy to be in your service, but... I do actually have another purpose than as a lube factory.
He looked down at the swollen globes of Lancelot’s ass, each as taut as a pregnant belly.
GRACE: I don’t want to know.
The King slapped each one, as though to inspire the child inside to take its first breath.
GRACE: Wait, this is MPreg? No one told me this was MPreg!
Lancelot moaned. The King reached into the potion bottle, and lathered its contents inside Lancelot’s anus.
VAL: Hang on, if you have to apply it like normal lube, what’s magic about it?
GRACE: Maybe it’s made of sunshine and rainbows, and it magically removes any and all complications involving anal sex, and leaves both partners with fresh breath and complementary chocolates.
VAL: Hm, pity the PPC don’t do original fiction. I’d have to ask whoever got this one to steal that stuff for lab testing. We could make a fortune.
GRACE: *sighs* I know, right?
“I’ll reclaim my honor and we can be done with this mess, then,” said the King, and thrust his member through the sphincter.
GRACE: Something about that last sentence makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
They fucked for a while, while Lancelot pumped the length of his own member, since the King wouldn’t do it for him.
VAL: (tuts) Chivalry is dead.
The King licked the sweat from the curve of Lancelot’s ears.
VAL: Ear fetish. There’s something you don’t see every day.
GRACE: He licked the sweat... ew.
Eventually they both came. Lancelot redressed manfully and they made their way back to the castle, once again the best of friends.
GRACE: How do you redress manfully? Were his clothes full of men?
VAL: Well, they’d be full of at least one man once he put them on.
GRACE: Much like his arse.
--
(After some banal male bonding, Arthur and Lancelot decide to ask Queen Guinevere for a threesome.)
--
“How would you like to try something new in bed, poppet?” the King asked.
Guinevere eyed Lancelot. “My lord?”
GRACE: I picked him up at the market, and I thought you might like a go.
“I thought our old chum Lancelot might want to join in,” the King said, and Guinevere’s eyes lit up like sun-drenched meadows.
GRACE: Please say the author meant ‘lit up’ as in ‘set on fire’.
It was agreed, then. They ordered the servants to make a wooden cylinder of approximately a cubit in length, and sand it down until there was no chance it would splinter.
VAL: (wince) Er, a cubit’s as long as a person’s forearm. Shouldn’t she start out with something smaller?
GRACE: It’s how long? Holy fucking hell!
VAL: Well, to be fair, they used to measure them depending on the individual’s arm length, so maybe she just has really short arms? … That seems somehow incomplete without a thalidomide joke, but no, I have my limits.
The device was delivered within the hour.
GRACE: OK, this might be just me, but if you have to wait an hour before you can do it, wouldn’t it just be more practical to find something else to do instead?
VAL: Or at least do something else in the meantime?
Lancelot secured to the floor,
VAL: Ooh, hey - random bondage.
and the men had Guinevere kneel over it. She lowered her vagina over the pole, so that her ass was plump to be fucked by the King, and she could pleasure Lancelot orally.
GRACE: Plump makes me think of chickens.
“This is really just plummy, isn’t it, Vera?” said the King as he filled her with Merlin’s potion.
VAL: Are we sure this is original fic? I’m getting Monty Python flashbacks. And kind of hoping the bunny shows up.
GRACE: Yeah, this seems too ludicrous to be authentic. Cheerio, what what?
Lancelot was on the ground, sucking at her breasts. He circled his tongue over her ripe areolae, as though he was demarcating a border.
GRACE: I’m suddenly having flashbacks to Memoirs of a Geisha...
“Oh, yes,” she said.
VAL: Well, she sounds enthusiastic.
When her anus was sufficiently lubricated, the King pushed his member into her. She groaned with delight. Lancelot stood up so that Guinevere would have access to his member. She licked the pre-ejaculate from the head, coyly, before devouring it whole.
GRACE: Holy fuck ow! Nobody said there was going to be vore in this!
The men thrust, Guinevere moaned and licked.
VAL: (monotone) OH. OH. OH. AH. AH. AH. AH. AH. THIS SEXUAL STIMULATION IS GENERATING A CLIMACTIC EVENT.
GRACE: *deadpan* Oh baby. Take me harder. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Yes. Oh.
Within ten minutes they had all come sufficiently, and they drew out. Guinevere lifted herself off the pole, and gave both the King and the knight a hug in thanks before retiring to her own quarters, presumably to masturbate.
VAL: Sheesh, were they that bad?
GRACE: Somehow, I don’t think anyone who has sex in any of these stories will be satisfied.
“I don’t think I’ve ever fully appreciated what a feisty woman my Vera is, old boy,” said the King appreciatively. “I must say you’ve livened up the evening.”
“Thank you, my liege,” said Lancelot, and they both went to bed.
VAL: Well, at least this time nobody was randomly French.
GRACE: You have a point. I suppose that’s one good thing about this mess. Still, the stereotypical English phrases didn’t help.
VAL: That and the ear thing is making me picture them as Mossverse hares now. I’m not sure whether that makes it worse or not.
GRACE: ...it makes it worse. Definitely. *her phone buzzes* Hang on. *she opens her phone* Hello? Oh, hi, Ally. What? Really? Ah, shit. OK, I’ll be there in a second. *she closes her phone* Sorry. The Floating Hyacinth has demanded my presence, so I have to go. God knows what it’s for this time- I told her it wasn’t my fault he was radioactive. She just never stops blaming me.
VAL: Okay, see you around. Oh, one more thing - you know what would have made this thing so much better? The Holy Hand Grenade.
GRACE: *stares at her for a second before laughing hysterically* Oh God yes. Thanks for helping out, this wouldn’t have been as fun if you weren’t here. *she starts to leave and stops.* See you around, I guess. *she leaves*
VAL: Well, that was... *dons sunglasses* anti-climactic.
----
(AV: Hey, everyone! This one's been overdue for a looooong time- Chel and I started writing it ages ago, then things happened and it got left on the backburner. Thankfully, we've finished, finally! Hope you like it!)
