Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Twenty-Six
Sep. 18th, 2012 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraLadies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not...
*is shot for stealing Diamanda Hagan's catch phrase*
Ow... fuck!
OK, I know Chapter 25 was yesterday, but I really wanted to do this one soon, mostly because it's another Very Special Episode- it's the last chapter, and so we're bringing out the music references again!
Yay!
Oh, this will be so much fun...
Let's get started! Mission GET!
*is shot by Paw Dugan for nicking his catch phrase*
Fuck!
OK, OK, I'll stop, I'll stop...
Ana wakes up after apparently falling down some stairs in her dream. She's sort of got jet lag in that she's well-rested despite it being five AM, because in Georgia, it'd be eight AM. Out of nowhere, she realises something important!
Holy crap... I need to take my pill.
Baby, did you forget to take your meds?
She hears Grey playing the piano and decides to go listen to him. We get a really long, purple prose-filled description of how gorgeous he looks and how beautiful the music is.
He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely- or maybe it's just the music that's so full of poignant sorrow.
With your long blonde hair and, your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you, was sorrow... sorrow...
And that is why you dump them instead of being all superficial and shit. Seriously, looks do not excuse emotional abuse.
There's more talking and music and Grey suggests that she take her pill half an hour later because of the different time zones.
"Good plan," I breathe. "So what shall we do for half an hour?"
GUN sex!
(OK, you're probably thinking 'Hey, that's not a song!' but he did the entire review singing different David Bowie songs with rewritten lyrics, so just take it.)
(That's what he said.)
(Oh, come on, you were thinking it too.)
(Stop looking at me like that!)
Moving on...
So, Grey wants to fuck, but Ana wants to talk about the contract. Um... didn't you already agree to it? I could have sworn that you did...
Grey says that since they've got more, the contract is essentially invalid except in the playroom- but he wants her to abide by the Rules at all times. Yeah, but now... aren't you just negotiating a new contract? At 5 in the fucking morning?
The future of our so-called relationship is being discussed at 5:45 in the morning when he's preoccupied with something else- is this wise?
Is this hyperreal? Is... this... hyperreal?
I'm asking that because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU FUCKING IDIOT OF COURSE IT'S NOT WISE! IT'S FIVE FUCKING FORTY FIVE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING AND YOU WANT TO FUCKING NEGOTIATE? WHAT FUCKING PLANET ARE YOU FROM?
In case you didn't get my point, the answer's no.
Anyway, Ana goes and takes her pill. When she gets back, Grey gives her the edited rules. They're not really that edited- he cut down the exercise sessions and took out the bit about eating. The obedience thing still stands, and Ana rolls her eyes. Therefore, it is time for a spanking!
Actually, it isn't. Because Ana doesn't want it, and she basically goes 'Catch me if you can!' and when Grey's all 'Christ, it's like you don't want this' she says that punishment for her is like being touched for him. Grey's instantly horrified, and Ana amends that it's not that bad, but it at least gives him an idea.
I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry, I didn't want to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy.
And I don't give a fuck.
Grey points out that she didn't mind it the night before in the playroom, but Ana points out that the night before, she wasn't being punished. When Grey wants to punish her, then Ana starts worrying that he wants to hurt her.
People, we have some actual conversation here! Hooray!
Grey admits to 'needing' to hurt her, but he refuses to say why because if she knew, she'd leave.
Um. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG-
OK, maybe he's exaggerating, but look at what he just said! Jesus!
Hmmm, maybe he just wants to do the culling of the fold...
So Ana decides to be a fuckwit and gets him to show her how bad it can get.
See, this is why we don't negotiate at 6 in the morning. We do stupid things.
Grey agrees to show her how bad it can be, and then she can make her mind up.
Wow, this can't end badly!
He takes her to the playroom and bends her over a bench.
"I am doing this so that you remember not to run from me, and as exciting as it is, I never want you to run from me," he whispers.
If you leave me alone, I will come home, dragging my tails behind me...
Anyway, he spanks Ana with a belt, and it's really hard and painful.
I half get this. If he meant 'I'll show you how bad the pain gets', then sure, that works. But if he meant 'I'll show you the most kinky and fucked-up it gets', then yeah, you failed that one.
Ana flips her shit afterwards and basically tells him to sort himself out. She runs to her bedroom and laments over the fact that Grey wants something she can't give him. While I agree, this makes no sense. They were going semi-well together beforehand. Grey never demanded that she do the belt thing constantly. They were going perfectly well with some vanilla sex and some light spanking. Why the freak out? Seriously, just ask him not to do it again. Problem fucking solved.
Grey comes in to cuddle. They realise that they're totally wrong for each other, and Ana admits that she's fallen in love with him, and Grey freaks out.
See, this is why being awake at 6 AM is bad for you! If we all just slept in, everything would be so much better!
*is flattened by an anvil with 'STOP MISSING THE POINT' etched on it*
Argh...
*an hour later*
Anyway, they try to reassure each other, but ultimately, it can never work! They're all wrong!
Put your hands all over me, please talk to me, talk to me, tell me everything's gonna be all right...
They agree on the basic problem: they each have different needs and desires, and while they can each try to fulfil the other's needs, neither is really happy doing it, and their compromises aren't working- she doesn't like being punished, and he's not content with sticking to light stuff.
Anyway, despite all the traumatic bullshit, Ana finally leaves. She gives Grey back everything he gave her, gets the money from when Taylor sold her car, and goes home.
I stare blankly out the window, and the enormity of what I've done slowly washes over me. Shit- I've left him. The only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever slept with.
Oh, for fuck's sake. He's your first. As Kerry Greenwood once said through Lin Chung, 'One's first love always breaks one's heart. That is what they're for.'
I do realise how callous I sound, but that's not my full point: Ana, sex is not love. You didn't love him, you fucked him. You sensibly realised the problem and got out.
And seriously, it's not the end of the world! So, you broke up with a guy you loved. It happens all the time. Your world has not collapsed. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. You will survive this. It will be all right.
Or, I'll put it like this: YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN IN ORDER TO HAVE A REASON TO EXIST.
So please stop acting like you're about to throw yourself onto a fucking pyre.
So, I'll sum it up like this:
I believe that you meant everything you said. Goodbye and thanks for the memories. For the pain, and the lies, every time I had to cry, goodbye and thanks for the memories. I believe that I was so cleverly deceived, by good looks and charm and a brilliant lie. All the time that I spent, being used, I should have said: Goodbye and thanks for the memories.
Ah, New Years Day. You always did know how to write a decent break-up song.
So, that was Fifty Shades of Grey. This Friday I'll start on Fifty Shades Darker. That'll be fun.
*is shot for stealing Diamanda Hagan's catch phrase*
Ow... fuck!
OK, I know Chapter 25 was yesterday, but I really wanted to do this one soon, mostly because it's another Very Special Episode- it's the last chapter, and so we're bringing out the music references again!
Yay!
Oh, this will be so much fun...
Let's get started! Mission GET!
*is shot by Paw Dugan for nicking his catch phrase*
Fuck!
OK, OK, I'll stop, I'll stop...
Ana wakes up after apparently falling down some stairs in her dream. She's sort of got jet lag in that she's well-rested despite it being five AM, because in Georgia, it'd be eight AM. Out of nowhere, she realises something important!
Holy crap... I need to take my pill.
Baby, did you forget to take your meds?
She hears Grey playing the piano and decides to go listen to him. We get a really long, purple prose-filled description of how gorgeous he looks and how beautiful the music is.
He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely- or maybe it's just the music that's so full of poignant sorrow.
With your long blonde hair and, your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you, was sorrow... sorrow...
And that is why you dump them instead of being all superficial and shit. Seriously, looks do not excuse emotional abuse.
There's more talking and music and Grey suggests that she take her pill half an hour later because of the different time zones.
"Good plan," I breathe. "So what shall we do for half an hour?"
GUN sex!
(OK, you're probably thinking 'Hey, that's not a song!' but he did the entire review singing different David Bowie songs with rewritten lyrics, so just take it.)
(That's what he said.)
(Oh, come on, you were thinking it too.)
(Stop looking at me like that!)
Moving on...
So, Grey wants to fuck, but Ana wants to talk about the contract. Um... didn't you already agree to it? I could have sworn that you did...
Grey says that since they've got more, the contract is essentially invalid except in the playroom- but he wants her to abide by the Rules at all times. Yeah, but now... aren't you just negotiating a new contract? At 5 in the fucking morning?
The future of our so-called relationship is being discussed at 5:45 in the morning when he's preoccupied with something else- is this wise?
Is this hyperreal? Is... this... hyperreal?
I'm asking that because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU FUCKING IDIOT OF COURSE IT'S NOT WISE! IT'S FIVE FUCKING FORTY FIVE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING AND YOU WANT TO FUCKING NEGOTIATE? WHAT FUCKING PLANET ARE YOU FROM?
In case you didn't get my point, the answer's no.
Anyway, Ana goes and takes her pill. When she gets back, Grey gives her the edited rules. They're not really that edited- he cut down the exercise sessions and took out the bit about eating. The obedience thing still stands, and Ana rolls her eyes. Therefore, it is time for a spanking!
Actually, it isn't. Because Ana doesn't want it, and she basically goes 'Catch me if you can!' and when Grey's all 'Christ, it's like you don't want this' she says that punishment for her is like being touched for him. Grey's instantly horrified, and Ana amends that it's not that bad, but it at least gives him an idea.
I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry, I didn't want to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy.
And I don't give a fuck.
Grey points out that she didn't mind it the night before in the playroom, but Ana points out that the night before, she wasn't being punished. When Grey wants to punish her, then Ana starts worrying that he wants to hurt her.
People, we have some actual conversation here! Hooray!
Grey admits to 'needing' to hurt her, but he refuses to say why because if she knew, she'd leave.
Um. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG-
OK, maybe he's exaggerating, but look at what he just said! Jesus!
Hmmm, maybe he just wants to do the culling of the fold...
So Ana decides to be a fuckwit and gets him to show her how bad it can get.
See, this is why we don't negotiate at 6 in the morning. We do stupid things.
Grey agrees to show her how bad it can be, and then she can make her mind up.
Wow, this can't end badly!
He takes her to the playroom and bends her over a bench.
"I am doing this so that you remember not to run from me, and as exciting as it is, I never want you to run from me," he whispers.
If you leave me alone, I will come home, dragging my tails behind me...
Anyway, he spanks Ana with a belt, and it's really hard and painful.
I half get this. If he meant 'I'll show you how bad the pain gets', then sure, that works. But if he meant 'I'll show you the most kinky and fucked-up it gets', then yeah, you failed that one.
Ana flips her shit afterwards and basically tells him to sort himself out. She runs to her bedroom and laments over the fact that Grey wants something she can't give him. While I agree, this makes no sense. They were going semi-well together beforehand. Grey never demanded that she do the belt thing constantly. They were going perfectly well with some vanilla sex and some light spanking. Why the freak out? Seriously, just ask him not to do it again. Problem fucking solved.
Grey comes in to cuddle. They realise that they're totally wrong for each other, and Ana admits that she's fallen in love with him, and Grey freaks out.
See, this is why being awake at 6 AM is bad for you! If we all just slept in, everything would be so much better!
*is flattened by an anvil with 'STOP MISSING THE POINT' etched on it*
Argh...
*an hour later*
Anyway, they try to reassure each other, but ultimately, it can never work! They're all wrong!
Put your hands all over me, please talk to me, talk to me, tell me everything's gonna be all right...
They agree on the basic problem: they each have different needs and desires, and while they can each try to fulfil the other's needs, neither is really happy doing it, and their compromises aren't working- she doesn't like being punished, and he's not content with sticking to light stuff.
Anyway, despite all the traumatic bullshit, Ana finally leaves. She gives Grey back everything he gave her, gets the money from when Taylor sold her car, and goes home.
I stare blankly out the window, and the enormity of what I've done slowly washes over me. Shit- I've left him. The only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever slept with.
Oh, for fuck's sake. He's your first. As Kerry Greenwood once said through Lin Chung, 'One's first love always breaks one's heart. That is what they're for.'
I do realise how callous I sound, but that's not my full point: Ana, sex is not love. You didn't love him, you fucked him. You sensibly realised the problem and got out.
And seriously, it's not the end of the world! So, you broke up with a guy you loved. It happens all the time. Your world has not collapsed. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. You will survive this. It will be all right.
Or, I'll put it like this: YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN IN ORDER TO HAVE A REASON TO EXIST.
So please stop acting like you're about to throw yourself onto a fucking pyre.
So, I'll sum it up like this:
I believe that you meant everything you said. Goodbye and thanks for the memories. For the pain, and the lies, every time I had to cry, goodbye and thanks for the memories. I believe that I was so cleverly deceived, by good looks and charm and a brilliant lie. All the time that I spent, being used, I should have said: Goodbye and thanks for the memories.
Ah, New Years Day. You always did know how to write a decent break-up song.
So, that was Fifty Shades of Grey. This Friday I'll start on Fifty Shades Darker. That'll be fun.
