Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Fifteen

[astra_aurora]

Hey, everyone! Today is our Very Special Episode! 

Why is it a Very Special Episode? Well, you can all calm down- it's not because of something in the book. It's because today is Music Day, where I make as many references to songs as I can! Why? For the lulz, of course! 

For the record, there's more sex and bullshit in this chapter, and some of my links are very NSFW. Just FYI.

Before I get started, I'm just going to be a bit bemused- the first page of Chapter Fifteen has all these black dots on it like someone spilled ink. Either that or it's mould. Kinda weird.

Also, given that it's Music Day, I should mention that the entire book reminds me of a song- KMFDM's 'I (Heart) You', which is definitely not a song you ever want to compare a relationship to. Lyrics are here 'cause they're kinda hard to hear sometimes.

Grey shows up. He's hot, just in case you didn't know. You may have missed it- it's not mentioned much, after all. Oh, and then we get this.

I take a moment to admire the pretty.

*facepalms* Fuck me... you are not fourteen!

Welp, may as well get those music references started...

In 'Pretty Vacant', I'm jumping, jumping, in 'Pretty Vacant', I'm moving, moving...

Oh, and he's brought booze. Dude. Stop getting her tanked. This shit is not good.

Ana's nervous 'cause he's OMG right there in front of me!!!!! (not a quote, FTR, just me being sarcastic), and then we get attacked by the grammatical fail that is so abundant in this book.

I head into the kitchen. Nervous, butterflies flooding my stomach, it's like having a panther or mountain lion all unpredictable and predatory in my living room.

What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa...

(Yeah, that was a cheap shot. I'm not sorry.)

Anyway, she gets him a cup for the booze and when she gets back, he's found the books. He reads the quote and comments that he thought he was Alec, not Angel, since she decided on the debasement. Ana admits that the quote was also a plea for him to go easy on her. And then we get a monologue that creeps me out more than anything I've read in this book.

"Christian, I can't accept them, they're just too much."
"You see, this is what I was talking about, you defying me. I want you to have them, and that's the end of the discussion. It's very simple. You don't have to think about this. As a submissive you would just be grateful for them. You just accept what I buy you because it pleases me for you to do so."

Everything and all for you, my blood runs wild. No limit, to how far I'll go, you need to comprehend, who's in control...

NO. NO, THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. She has the right to refuse anything. There was nothing in the contract about accepting anything he gives her, just about clothes. She can think. She can have an opinion. 

Jesus, Grey scares me. If he were real, I wouldn't want to be in the same city as him.

Ana invokes her loophole-fu and declares that since they're hers to do whatever she wishes with them, she'll donate them to a charity so they can be auctioned off. Grey doesn't like it, so Ana says that she'll think about it because she doesn't want to disappoint him.

Ana admits that his buying things makes her feel cheap, and he does a little speech about how she shouldn't judge herself by what society thinks and she is in no way cheap.

So, what, she should judge herself by what he thinks? She can feel whatever she likes, because he has no right to dictate to her what she should or shouldn't feel.

Arsehole.

Anyway, Grey says that he just got her the books because he thought they'd mean something to her- it wasn't meant to be a landmark gift. Then he gets her to drink some champagne. *groan* Ana gets him to go through the soft limits with her. 

They have a talk about Ray and fishing and wine, and then we find out that Grey's sister Mia is returning from Paris, so he can't help them move- though Elliot will, so Ana and Kate won't be all by themselves. 

Christian frowns. "Yes, Kate and Elliot, who would have thought?" he murmurs, and for some reason he doesn't look pleased.

Our families can't agree, I'm your brother's sworn enemy, but I'll shout out my love, to the stars...

He asks her about work, and she tells him that she's got interviews. He asks her when she was going to tell him and then asks where. Ana doesn't want to tell him because she doesn't want him to use his influence.

He asks her if she's eaten anything, she tells him that she ate with Ray, and she rolls her eyes at him. He tells her that if she does it again, he'll spank her. 

Spank my booty, come on and spank my booty...

Ana says that she doesn't want to try anal. And then we get this. You may need something nearby to punch.

"I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia."

STEP AWAY FROM THE DONKEY, NOW.

Sorry. Back to the bullshit.

"But we'll wait for that. Besides, it's not something we can dive into." He smirks at me. "Your ass will need training."

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!

When someone says 'I don't want to do this', your reaction should not be 'I do, so there!' A Dom who wasn't a complete arsehole would respect a sub's wishes! If he'd asked her to reconsider or just shrugged and accepted it, it'd be so much better, but no...

"But if we try it and you don't like it, we don't have to do it again." He grins down at me.

I could never speak in a way, you wanted to hear, I couldn't convey... 

Ana asks if he's had anal sex. He has. Not with a man- not his scene- but with Mrs Robinson.

No, I won't reference the song. I don't want to. You can't make me.

Ana agrees to swallowing semen and then they talk about toys. One of the options is 'other vaginal/anal toys'. Um... considering how many things that can be applied to, you may want to be more specific.

Grey laughs at her and explains that he's never had this conversation in such detail- she's just so inexperienced.

Um... why is that funny? What humour is to be found in this?

Ana asks him what a spreader bar is and tells him not to laugh.
"I promise not to laugh. I've already apologised twice." He glares at me. "Don't make me do it again," he warns. And I think I visibly shrink... oh, he's so bossy.

And I'm nothing but your superbug for asking... Answer: stamp me out.

They talk about gags. Ana asks him how she'll use safe words. She'll use hand signals. Problem solved. 

Unfortunately, then we get this:

I blink up at him. But if I'm trussed up, how's that going to work? My brain is beginning to fog... hmm, alcohol.

ARGH, NO! This is why you don't drink and negotiate!

"Do you like tying your submissives up so they can't touch you?"
He gazes at me, his eyes widening. "That's one of the reasons," he says quietly.
"Is that why you've tied my hands?"
"Yes."

Chains, chains, chains, chains, chains, chains, we're linked to each other with chains...

I sense foreshadowing...

"Would you like another drink? It's making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain."

*slams hand into wall* No! No! No! Getting drunk makes you lose your inhibitions, it doesn't make you reveal the real you! There is a reason negotiating should be done while sober, because drunk Ana could agree to dozens of things she won't want to do when sober! Damn you, Grey!

"Do you have to do it?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Goes with the territory, Anastasia. It's what I do."

No, it doesn't! Being a Dom does not by definition mean that he has to inflict pain! There is no law that says that Ana must take pain!

They talk a bit more about pain and he runs over her objections. And then he says that he's willing to try romance. He's not sure if it'll work, but he'll give it a shot. 

And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it. And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

However... he's got one condition: she has to accept his present. It's a car, an Audi. What is it with James and Audis? Does she have a fetish for them or something? Or is this product placement?

Ana's actually really pissed off that he bought her a car, and when Grey says that Ray was all for it, she gets even angrier that he mentioned any part of their relationship to Ray. She softens up a bit after remembering that he hasn't had money for all his life and that his intentions may be misguided, but they're not bad in the least. She compromises by saying it's a loan. 

And then there's... gah.

"It's taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car," he growls. "Now let's get you inside and naked."

So trust me, trust me, darling dear, I'm so sincere, no need to tear... Babe, you're a hard game to catch, you fight and refuse, you're a wild little bruise...

Honestly, I think 'Trust Me' and 'I (Heart) You' might be the two songs that best sum up this whole thing. 

Ana apologises for making him angry and admits that he scares her when he's angry. He calms down, thank God. 

There's foreplay and orgasm denial and all that jazz. He puts her in charge of him. And then there are blow jobs.

I lean forward, my hair falling around me, and he's in my mouth.

Your body in my mouth: devilicious!

There's sex. I'm bored.

"That's right, baby, feel me, all of me," he growls, and briefly closes his eyes.

Bend me, break me, any way you need me, all I want is you...

They keep fucking, and then the chapter ends.

Well, that was anti-climactic. 

That was Chapter Fifteen. Content was bad, but the music was fun. Hope it wasn't too irritating.