Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Eleven
Jul. 27th, 2012 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraO hai desu~!!!!! I've been watching Vixen's Twilight reviews (I wholeheartedly recommend them) and some of her crazy lovechild-of-the-Energizer-Bunny-and-Pinkie-Pie-on-crackness appears to have rubbed off on me. (For some reason I felt better today than I have for ages, which makes no sense whatsoever.)
Anyway, I'm in a good mood and I'm ready to have fun (yes, I actually do find these posts to be fun) so let's go!
We get ten and a quarter pages of contract. OK... I like that he's being thorough, but that is way too much for a newbie to stomach. I like that Grey isn't expecting her to instantly sign or refuse, he just wants her to have a look, but still... *sigh* I suppose I'll have to give up on trying to scream away the stupid, or else you may as well just call me King Canute.
The contract is... well, on the surface it seems OK. Problem is, there's more than a few problems with it. Let's take it point by point:
1: The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits, and her well-being.
On the surface, this is OK, but... we don't know her limits. We don't know her needs. She doesn't. He doesn't. I get the feeling that Grey basically wrote out a standard contract for all his subs, which seems reasonable except for the bit where all subs are not the same. Ana, being a new and inexperienced sub, doesn't have a clue, which is why so much of this contract fails.
2: Any breach will render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.
Do any of you have a clue what the hell that means? Because I'm reading it as 'whoever fucks up will be punished by the other one'. They need to have a serious talk about this. If I were Ana (and I am so goddamn glad that I'm not) I'd be... actually, I wouldn't, because I'd be too terrified of my goddamn stalking creepy dom.
Let's try that again.
In the real world, if I were the POVC of this story, I'd be going through the contract and making lists of everything A, that I objected to, B, that I didn't understand, and C, that I thought needed to be discussed. But Ana has no idea what she's doing... *sigh*.
3: The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under Clause 3 above.
OK, but... training as what? What form will this discipline take? This is not specific enough. They need to talk. There is no default training. It needs to be made clear. That's the point of this contract- to spell out exactly what and what won't happen so she knows what to expect.
4: ...the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things.
What is this, a marriage vow? Anyway, that is not clear enough. Besides, she's your sub, not your slave.
5: ...she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.
Christian Grey does not want a submissive. He wants a sexbot. That just confirms it for me- he's an escapee from the Stepford Wives. He's got the Interchangeable Blondes and now he's after a sub who'll do whatever he says without hesitating.
I'm not saying that something like this is bad, I'm saying that A, a newbie with no clue probably shouldn't be doing it, and B, given what we know about Grey (i.e. the creepy mood-whiplashing stalking git) this just makes him look even worse.
I mean, she's not allowed to fucking ask him questions, for fuck's sake! Not even 'How can you do this without choking me?' or 'Where does the custard go?' or 'How exactly did you escape the prison while chained to three dogs and a banana?'
I realise I'm not making that last disclaimer look true. Sorry. I think I may have a slight problem with people being expected to do anything someone else wants without query or hesitation. It reminds me of the mind and physical rape in the Whateley Academy series. *shudders* By all means, go ahead IRL as long as everything's SSC and it's all RACK. Mmmkay?
(For the record, the WA case involved Cthulhu Mythos magic, so I'm not too worried about real-life cases of it.)
Anyway, back to thewank-fest contract.
There's a paragraph stating that the contract expires three months from when it commences, and then they get together and discuss how it went and if there should be improvements made. Good.
6: The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant ('the Allotted Times'). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad hoc basis.
Um... Ana needs to have a say in the times too. What if something important happens? Also, he needs to rephrase 'make herself available' so it's more clear- I don't know whether it means 'Turn up at my house' or 'Stay home and get ready to be my booty call' or whatever.
7: The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term.
No, they haven't. Grey just expects Ana to magically know everything without telling her anything. Honestly, if a document told me that the stuff in it had been discussed, and I hadn't discussed anything, I'd be backing out.
8: The Dominant shall make the Submissive's health and safety a priority at all times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow or demand the Submissive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the Submissive's life.
(For the record, Appendix 2 is the no-go list from earlier.)
And you haven't been telling her all this, why? Oh, right. Because you're a fucking douchebag, Grey.
Also, anyone else think 'At the Hands of the Dominant' would be a good name for a rock band?
I'm too tired to go through the rest of the contract, most of which falls under either 'you're not specific enough' or 'you haven't explained this enough' or 'this is way too much for a newbie, IMO', but I will point out the really bad shit:
9: The Dominant may restrain, handcuff or bind the Submissive at any time... for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the Submissive.
How long? Seriously, how long? You need to explain this shit!
Also, I'm honestly worried about Ana's physical health, because while I'm aware that few people know every health problem they've got, the ones she does have should be made clear so they can work them into the contract. If she has a fear of bondage, or the dark (so no blindfolding) or of getting spanked, this should be stated.
See, this is why you need to really take the time to make sure everything's good before rushing into something as detailed as this, because I'm sensing dozens of tiny problems that could end up as a perfect storm.
10: The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases...
This, right here, has got to be some pretty intimidating shit for a newbie. This is why Grey should be talking her through it.
11: The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.
And if she wants to use another form of contraception, bad luck? Fuck that! The pill has weird effects depending on who's taking it, and I can't blame Ana if she decides that she doesn't want to potentially spin her head around. There's more than one way, Grey! This needs to be talked about!
Anyway, the rest is mainly stuff that needs to be talked about. Then there's the rules, the no-go list, and then a list of stuff Ana's supposed to check if she wants to do.
The problem with this contract is that Ana doesn't have a clue. There's not much room for changing her mind, and once she starts finding out what she needs/wants/likes, she might need that room.
My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this?
Exactly. Ana doesn't have a clue.
She spends a few minutes pointing out problems, like the bit that says she can't look into his eyes, and the bit where she won't have any weekends to see her friends (TALK TO HIM! TALK! TO! HIM!), and then we get this... horror.
My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let's do this... otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.
*inhales very deeply*
YOU FUCKER!
*exhales*
OK, feeling better now.
This is one of the worst reasons I've ever heard, and I don't mean in a 'this is monumentally stupid' way, I mean in a 'this is seriously disturbing' way. Getting into a potentially-damaging relationship without any idea what you're doing is a really bad idea. Grey is abusive and dickish and you are basically putting your health at risk for the sake of company.
Ana, I'll break it down to you in point form:
1: You are in your early twenties. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need a partner.
2: If you meant company as in company... you have Kate. I know she won't be around forever, but what makes you think that Grey will? Remember those fifteen subs that didn't work out?
3: Cats can be good company.
4: You don't need him. You really don't.
5: Why are you listening to her? She's an idiot.
6: Why do you think that Grey is your best choice for a partner?
I think I've lost most of my sympathy for her.
(Most, but not all- dumb bitch or not, she is in an abusive relationship with no idea of the circumstances.)
The next day, Grey sends her a package. It's a special laptop, not available in the shops, the revolutionary Apple product... a MacBook Pro.
Can I have a shocked gasp, please?
Thanks. *looks down at the MacBook Pro she's typing on* My God, it looks like time has passed since this book was released. How can this be?
Oh, and she didn't even have an email account. Bullshit. I can almost buy not having a computer, but no email? Fucking bullshit. Even if it was just an account she used once in a blue moon. Bullshit.
She's got mail! From Grey, unsurprisingly. They banter a bit, and then she goes all giddy over the fact that he emailed her.
I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He emailed me. I'm like a small, giddy child. And all the contact angst fades.
Um... you are older than thirteen, right? Sure?
Ana and Jose have lunch. There's virtually nothing to this scene except that she forgives him in like five seconds. Then she goes a-researchin', and finds... something. I'm assuming porn, but there's no detail. And then the chapter ends.
Well, that was Chapter Eleven. That was bloody bad. I'm going to go write some porn and try getting an early night.
Anyway, I'm in a good mood and I'm ready to have fun (yes, I actually do find these posts to be fun) so let's go!
We get ten and a quarter pages of contract. OK... I like that he's being thorough, but that is way too much for a newbie to stomach. I like that Grey isn't expecting her to instantly sign or refuse, he just wants her to have a look, but still... *sigh* I suppose I'll have to give up on trying to scream away the stupid, or else you may as well just call me King Canute.
The contract is... well, on the surface it seems OK. Problem is, there's more than a few problems with it. Let's take it point by point:
1: The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits, and her well-being.
On the surface, this is OK, but... we don't know her limits. We don't know her needs. She doesn't. He doesn't. I get the feeling that Grey basically wrote out a standard contract for all his subs, which seems reasonable except for the bit where all subs are not the same. Ana, being a new and inexperienced sub, doesn't have a clue, which is why so much of this contract fails.
2: Any breach will render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.
Do any of you have a clue what the hell that means? Because I'm reading it as 'whoever fucks up will be punished by the other one'. They need to have a serious talk about this. If I were Ana (and I am so goddamn glad that I'm not) I'd be... actually, I wouldn't, because I'd be too terrified of my goddamn stalking creepy dom.
Let's try that again.
In the real world, if I were the POVC of this story, I'd be going through the contract and making lists of everything A, that I objected to, B, that I didn't understand, and C, that I thought needed to be discussed. But Ana has no idea what she's doing... *sigh*.
3: The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under Clause 3 above.
OK, but... training as what? What form will this discipline take? This is not specific enough. They need to talk. There is no default training. It needs to be made clear. That's the point of this contract- to spell out exactly what and what won't happen so she knows what to expect.
4: ...the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things.
What is this, a marriage vow? Anyway, that is not clear enough. Besides, she's your sub, not your slave.
5: ...she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.
Christian Grey does not want a submissive. He wants a sexbot. That just confirms it for me- he's an escapee from the Stepford Wives. He's got the Interchangeable Blondes and now he's after a sub who'll do whatever he says without hesitating.
I'm not saying that something like this is bad, I'm saying that A, a newbie with no clue probably shouldn't be doing it, and B, given what we know about Grey (i.e. the creepy mood-whiplashing stalking git) this just makes him look even worse.
I mean, she's not allowed to fucking ask him questions, for fuck's sake! Not even 'How can you do this without choking me?' or 'Where does the custard go?' or 'How exactly did you escape the prison while chained to three dogs and a banana?'
I realise I'm not making that last disclaimer look true. Sorry. I think I may have a slight problem with people being expected to do anything someone else wants without query or hesitation. It reminds me of the mind and physical rape in the Whateley Academy series. *shudders* By all means, go ahead IRL as long as everything's SSC and it's all RACK. Mmmkay?
(For the record, the WA case involved Cthulhu Mythos magic, so I'm not too worried about real-life cases of it.)
Anyway, back to the
There's a paragraph stating that the contract expires three months from when it commences, and then they get together and discuss how it went and if there should be improvements made. Good.
6: The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant ('the Allotted Times'). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad hoc basis.
Um... Ana needs to have a say in the times too. What if something important happens? Also, he needs to rephrase 'make herself available' so it's more clear- I don't know whether it means 'Turn up at my house' or 'Stay home and get ready to be my booty call' or whatever.
7: The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term.
No, they haven't. Grey just expects Ana to magically know everything without telling her anything. Honestly, if a document told me that the stuff in it had been discussed, and I hadn't discussed anything, I'd be backing out.
8: The Dominant shall make the Submissive's health and safety a priority at all times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow or demand the Submissive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the Submissive's life.
(For the record, Appendix 2 is the no-go list from earlier.)
And you haven't been telling her all this, why? Oh, right. Because you're a fucking douchebag, Grey.
Also, anyone else think 'At the Hands of the Dominant' would be a good name for a rock band?
I'm too tired to go through the rest of the contract, most of which falls under either 'you're not specific enough' or 'you haven't explained this enough' or 'this is way too much for a newbie, IMO', but I will point out the really bad shit:
9: The Dominant may restrain, handcuff or bind the Submissive at any time... for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the Submissive.
How long? Seriously, how long? You need to explain this shit!
Also, I'm honestly worried about Ana's physical health, because while I'm aware that few people know every health problem they've got, the ones she does have should be made clear so they can work them into the contract. If she has a fear of bondage, or the dark (so no blindfolding) or of getting spanked, this should be stated.
See, this is why you need to really take the time to make sure everything's good before rushing into something as detailed as this, because I'm sensing dozens of tiny problems that could end up as a perfect storm.
10: The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases...
This, right here, has got to be some pretty intimidating shit for a newbie. This is why Grey should be talking her through it.
11: The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.
And if she wants to use another form of contraception, bad luck? Fuck that! The pill has weird effects depending on who's taking it, and I can't blame Ana if she decides that she doesn't want to potentially spin her head around. There's more than one way, Grey! This needs to be talked about!
Anyway, the rest is mainly stuff that needs to be talked about. Then there's the rules, the no-go list, and then a list of stuff Ana's supposed to check if she wants to do.
The problem with this contract is that Ana doesn't have a clue. There's not much room for changing her mind, and once she starts finding out what she needs/wants/likes, she might need that room.
My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this?
Exactly. Ana doesn't have a clue.
She spends a few minutes pointing out problems, like the bit that says she can't look into his eyes, and the bit where she won't have any weekends to see her friends (TALK TO HIM! TALK! TO! HIM!), and then we get this... horror.
My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let's do this... otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.
*inhales very deeply*
YOU FUCKER!
*exhales*
OK, feeling better now.
This is one of the worst reasons I've ever heard, and I don't mean in a 'this is monumentally stupid' way, I mean in a 'this is seriously disturbing' way. Getting into a potentially-damaging relationship without any idea what you're doing is a really bad idea. Grey is abusive and dickish and you are basically putting your health at risk for the sake of company.
Ana, I'll break it down to you in point form:
1: You are in your early twenties. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need a partner.
2: If you meant company as in company... you have Kate. I know she won't be around forever, but what makes you think that Grey will? Remember those fifteen subs that didn't work out?
3: Cats can be good company.
4: You don't need him. You really don't.
5: Why are you listening to her? She's an idiot.
6: Why do you think that Grey is your best choice for a partner?
I think I've lost most of my sympathy for her.
(Most, but not all- dumb bitch or not, she is in an abusive relationship with no idea of the circumstances.)
The next day, Grey sends her a package. It's a special laptop, not available in the shops, the revolutionary Apple product... a MacBook Pro.
Can I have a shocked gasp, please?
Thanks. *looks down at the MacBook Pro she's typing on* My God, it looks like time has passed since this book was released. How can this be?
Oh, and she didn't even have an email account. Bullshit. I can almost buy not having a computer, but no email? Fucking bullshit. Even if it was just an account she used once in a blue moon. Bullshit.
She's got mail! From Grey, unsurprisingly. They banter a bit, and then she goes all giddy over the fact that he emailed her.
I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He emailed me. I'm like a small, giddy child. And all the contact angst fades.
Um... you are older than thirteen, right? Sure?
Ana and Jose have lunch. There's virtually nothing to this scene except that she forgives him in like five seconds. Then she goes a-researchin', and finds... something. I'm assuming porn, but there's no detail. And then the chapter ends.
Well, that was Chapter Eleven. That was bloody bad. I'm going to go write some porn and try getting an early night.
