Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Nine
Jul. 20th, 2012 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraI got me a glass of orange juice and my Companion Cube and I'm ready to slap a bitch. (Also, for your enjoyment, have a photo of Chris Corner in his 'out of the closet' cowboy boots, 'cause I realised that most of you would have no idea who he is. Check out IAMX, his music's amazing.)
Also, there's more sex in this chapter, so if anyone underage is reading... I warned you.
Right, let's go!
Ana wakes up.
It's a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.
Honestly, repeating sentences like that just annoys me.
Ana gets up to go to the bathroom, puts on Grey's shirt (why does this always happen? All their clothes are on the floor, why not find your own? There's no guarantee that his shirt will be A, big enough, or B, long enough to cover your thighs) and goes looking for the bathroom. She first finds his wardrobe, which is full of clothes.
How can anyone need this many clothes? I tut with disapproval. Actually, Kate's wardrobe probably rivals this.
You've been friends with her for how long and you don't know how big her wardrobe is or how many clothes she has?
Ana has a brief 'Oh shit, I was meant to text her!' moment and then finds the bathroom. It's huge, she notes, and has multiple sinks. She's a little annoyed that one person needs so much space, which is an understandable reaction. There's a line between 'I want room to move' and 'your bathroom is bigger than my bedroom'.
Oh, and then her subconscious starts talking to her. I think she might have some kind of disorder, because this shit is not normal:
You don't do any exercise in your life.
Subconscious, get some more grammar and learn to phrase shit. (The bolding is because her subconscious talks in italics in the book, JSYK).
My subconscious has awoken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you.
Please read the last sentence I wrote. In addition, book, it may seem strange, but there's a large number of people out there who lost their virginity to people they didn't love and weren't loved by, and in some cases never saw or heard from again- and not only do many of them never regret it, in some cases it's the best outcome. Also, Ana doesn't love him, but that's not brought up, of course.
In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. ARE YOU CRAZY?
BDSM is not sex slavery. Please read that last line again until you get it, book.
Ana's confused and bewildered, trying to process everything. Fair enough, I guess. I just don't like the bit where the voice in her head has to be the one who isn't completely insane.
Ana finds her phone and finds some worried texts from Kate, even though Kate presumably knew where she was going.
I call Kate. When she doesn't answer, I leave her a grovelling message to tell her that I am alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard
*headdesk*
OK, for those of you who don't know, the story of Bluebeard is a fairytale about a girl who marries Duke Bluebeard, a man who had several wives who vanished mysteriously. Bluebeard tells her that she can go anywhere she wants in his castle and do anything, but there's one door he doesn't want her to open. One day, she gets curious and opens the door, finding all the bodies of his dead wives. I've read several variations of the story, but they all end with Bluebeard dead and the wife living happily ever after.
Her phrasing makes no sense. I'm assuming she means it in the sense of 'I am alive and didn't walk into a situation where I was raped and killed', but that's a bloody stupid way to put it.
I find two welcome hair-ties in my bag at the same time and quickly tie my hair in pigtails.
"Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and I'm really pissed off that this fucking idiot is ripping off my look."
Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard.
James has no idea how to phrase things.
Also... WHAT THE FUCK?
If you're scared of Grey, get the fuck out. If you don't want to fuck him again, tell him so. Stand up for yourself. Don't rely on your looks to send the right message, especially since it hasn't been working.
And stop comparing him to a serial killer, for the love of God!
Ana finds Grey's kitchen and cooks breakfast. Grey shows up and instantly gets in that 'I'm being civil to you but all I want to do is throw you down and fuck you' mood he's in all the time.
He gently pulls my pigtail. "I love these," he whispers. "They won't protect you."
I want to hit something.
He instantly realises that the pigtails are a defence mechanism- probably the only thing she thought of to defend herself. His reaction is to tell her that they won't protect her, even though he realises that she feels it necessary to construct a defence mechanism.
Let's break it down: IF YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND YOU REALISE AFTERWARDS THAT THEY FEEL BAD ENOUGH TO MAKE A DEFENCE AGAINST YOU, YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.
Grey is a terrible man, a terrible lover and a terrible Dom. And he doesn't care. Fucker.
Grey asks her if she wants to stay and continue her basic training. She says yes, but she's got work. He says that he'll take her to work, she points out that she doesn't have any clean clothes, and he says that he'll get her some. She argues enough that he concedes that she can go home.
Doesn't he have work or something? God.
Grey snaps at her for not finishing her breakfast. He admits that he has personal problems with wasted food. Ah, more foreshadowing. Dun dun dun!
Kate calls. She magically knows that Ana had sex and demands details, while Ana flops around. Afterwards, she asks Grey whether the NDA covers everything- she wants to ask Kate about some of the mechanics of sex, you see. Grey says she can ask him.
This is why you read things before signing them, so you know what you can and can't ask. And why America needs better sex education classes, so everyone knows what sex is like.
Grey doesn't want her asking Kate anything because Kate is fucking Elliot. Sigh.
Oh, and then we get this:
"I've never had vanilla sex before. There's a lot to be said for it. But then, maybe it's because it's with you."
Oh no you don't. Don't you fucking dare imply that Grey's only into BDSM because he wasn't in love. Don't you fucking dare imply that BDSM people don't love their partners or have fulfilling sex. Don't you fucking dare imply that loving couples can't be into BDSM.
And Grey's never had vanilla sex? Ever? Really?
Grey tells Ana that she's beautiful and shouldn't be ashamed of her body. Thank you for showing a sign of humanity.
They take a bath. It's boring. Except for the bit where he massages/fondles/kneads her breasts, which makes me cringe because mine tend to hurt if I so much as prod them hard. (Makes jogging a bitch, let me tell you.)
Grey talks about how much he loves his cock. She gives him a hand job that becomes a blow job, and naturally gets it perfect the first time, without a hint of this weird thing we call a gag reflex.
He warns her that he's going to come and if she doesn't want him to, she should stop. Except for the bit where he's holding her pigtails, so she can't move her head. This reminds me of that bit in Tandia... except that Tandia bit the guy's cock. Not such a good comparison.
They go to the bedroom... and then he ties her hands together. Without once telling her that he wants to tie her up. Or warning her that there might be hand-tying involved. Or asking her if he can.
Fucking hell, book, why must you be so bad?
He begs her to say yes to their arrangement... the arrangement they haven't discussed, haven't finalised, and didn't include bondage.
And then there's fucking. Boring.
Also, I will never accept the word 'sex' used as a euphemism for 'vagina'. It just looks stupid.
Grey basically says, 'Stay with me and I'll make you feel even better', which makes me think of pedophiles offering kids lollipops. I know my brain is weird, but that offer sounds bad.
Anyway, there's a confrontation outside the door between someone called Taylor, apparently some kind of receptionist, and a woman identified as... Christian's mother! And now he has to explain to her about the woman in his room! Dun dun dun!
That was chapter nine. Yeah, there's no real plot any more.
(Also, for something vaguely related (topic-wise), check out this song. You might like it.)
Also, there's more sex in this chapter, so if anyone underage is reading... I warned you.
Right, let's go!
Ana wakes up.
It's a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.
Honestly, repeating sentences like that just annoys me.
Ana gets up to go to the bathroom, puts on Grey's shirt (why does this always happen? All their clothes are on the floor, why not find your own? There's no guarantee that his shirt will be A, big enough, or B, long enough to cover your thighs) and goes looking for the bathroom. She first finds his wardrobe, which is full of clothes.
How can anyone need this many clothes? I tut with disapproval. Actually, Kate's wardrobe probably rivals this.
You've been friends with her for how long and you don't know how big her wardrobe is or how many clothes she has?
Ana has a brief 'Oh shit, I was meant to text her!' moment and then finds the bathroom. It's huge, she notes, and has multiple sinks. She's a little annoyed that one person needs so much space, which is an understandable reaction. There's a line between 'I want room to move' and 'your bathroom is bigger than my bedroom'.
Oh, and then her subconscious starts talking to her. I think she might have some kind of disorder, because this shit is not normal:
You don't do any exercise in your life.
Subconscious, get some more grammar and learn to phrase shit. (The bolding is because her subconscious talks in italics in the book, JSYK).
My subconscious has awoken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you.
Please read the last sentence I wrote. In addition, book, it may seem strange, but there's a large number of people out there who lost their virginity to people they didn't love and weren't loved by, and in some cases never saw or heard from again- and not only do many of them never regret it, in some cases it's the best outcome. Also, Ana doesn't love him, but that's not brought up, of course.
In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. ARE YOU CRAZY?
BDSM is not sex slavery. Please read that last line again until you get it, book.
Ana's confused and bewildered, trying to process everything. Fair enough, I guess. I just don't like the bit where the voice in her head has to be the one who isn't completely insane.
Ana finds her phone and finds some worried texts from Kate, even though Kate presumably knew where she was going.
I call Kate. When she doesn't answer, I leave her a grovelling message to tell her that I am alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard
*headdesk*
OK, for those of you who don't know, the story of Bluebeard is a fairytale about a girl who marries Duke Bluebeard, a man who had several wives who vanished mysteriously. Bluebeard tells her that she can go anywhere she wants in his castle and do anything, but there's one door he doesn't want her to open. One day, she gets curious and opens the door, finding all the bodies of his dead wives. I've read several variations of the story, but they all end with Bluebeard dead and the wife living happily ever after.
Her phrasing makes no sense. I'm assuming she means it in the sense of 'I am alive and didn't walk into a situation where I was raped and killed', but that's a bloody stupid way to put it.
I find two welcome hair-ties in my bag at the same time and quickly tie my hair in pigtails.
"Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and I'm really pissed off that this fucking idiot is ripping off my look."
Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard.
James has no idea how to phrase things.
Also... WHAT THE FUCK?
If you're scared of Grey, get the fuck out. If you don't want to fuck him again, tell him so. Stand up for yourself. Don't rely on your looks to send the right message, especially since it hasn't been working.
And stop comparing him to a serial killer, for the love of God!
Ana finds Grey's kitchen and cooks breakfast. Grey shows up and instantly gets in that 'I'm being civil to you but all I want to do is throw you down and fuck you' mood he's in all the time.
He gently pulls my pigtail. "I love these," he whispers. "They won't protect you."
I want to hit something.
He instantly realises that the pigtails are a defence mechanism- probably the only thing she thought of to defend herself. His reaction is to tell her that they won't protect her, even though he realises that she feels it necessary to construct a defence mechanism.
Let's break it down: IF YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND YOU REALISE AFTERWARDS THAT THEY FEEL BAD ENOUGH TO MAKE A DEFENCE AGAINST YOU, YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG.
Grey is a terrible man, a terrible lover and a terrible Dom. And he doesn't care. Fucker.
Grey asks her if she wants to stay and continue her basic training. She says yes, but she's got work. He says that he'll take her to work, she points out that she doesn't have any clean clothes, and he says that he'll get her some. She argues enough that he concedes that she can go home.
Doesn't he have work or something? God.
Grey snaps at her for not finishing her breakfast. He admits that he has personal problems with wasted food. Ah, more foreshadowing. Dun dun dun!
Kate calls. She magically knows that Ana had sex and demands details, while Ana flops around. Afterwards, she asks Grey whether the NDA covers everything- she wants to ask Kate about some of the mechanics of sex, you see. Grey says she can ask him.
This is why you read things before signing them, so you know what you can and can't ask. And why America needs better sex education classes, so everyone knows what sex is like.
Grey doesn't want her asking Kate anything because Kate is fucking Elliot. Sigh.
Oh, and then we get this:
"I've never had vanilla sex before. There's a lot to be said for it. But then, maybe it's because it's with you."
Oh no you don't. Don't you fucking dare imply that Grey's only into BDSM because he wasn't in love. Don't you fucking dare imply that BDSM people don't love their partners or have fulfilling sex. Don't you fucking dare imply that loving couples can't be into BDSM.
And Grey's never had vanilla sex? Ever? Really?
Grey tells Ana that she's beautiful and shouldn't be ashamed of her body. Thank you for showing a sign of humanity.
They take a bath. It's boring. Except for the bit where he massages/fondles/kneads her breasts, which makes me cringe because mine tend to hurt if I so much as prod them hard. (Makes jogging a bitch, let me tell you.)
Grey talks about how much he loves his cock. She gives him a hand job that becomes a blow job, and naturally gets it perfect the first time, without a hint of this weird thing we call a gag reflex.
He warns her that he's going to come and if she doesn't want him to, she should stop. Except for the bit where he's holding her pigtails, so she can't move her head. This reminds me of that bit in Tandia... except that Tandia bit the guy's cock. Not such a good comparison.
They go to the bedroom... and then he ties her hands together. Without once telling her that he wants to tie her up. Or warning her that there might be hand-tying involved. Or asking her if he can.
Fucking hell, book, why must you be so bad?
He begs her to say yes to their arrangement... the arrangement they haven't discussed, haven't finalised, and didn't include bondage.
And then there's fucking. Boring.
Also, I will never accept the word 'sex' used as a euphemism for 'vagina'. It just looks stupid.
Grey basically says, 'Stay with me and I'll make you feel even better', which makes me think of pedophiles offering kids lollipops. I know my brain is weird, but that offer sounds bad.
Anyway, there's a confrontation outside the door between someone called Taylor, apparently some kind of receptionist, and a woman identified as... Christian's mother! And now he has to explain to her about the woman in his room! Dun dun dun!
That was chapter nine. Yeah, there's no real plot any more.
(Also, for something vaguely related (topic-wise), check out this song. You might like it.)
