astra_aurora | Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Seven

Time for some ass-kicking. I'm in no mood for bullshit.

Inside the mysterious room is BDSM stuff. Whips, canes, a St Andrew's Cross, paddles, and then the author ran out of stuff. Research, people.

To emphasise how much research she didn't do, Ana describes a bed covered in leather. Yes, leather. No sheets, no pillows, just leather. People, when sweaty bodies meet leather, bad shit happens. It's not nice.

Anyway... Grey's rich. Why such a limited stock of toys? He could afford solid diamond dildos if he wanted. I get that Ana isn't seeing everything, but you'd think that he'd have more than the basics.

(Anyone else think that 'the Solid Diamond Dildos' would be a great name for a band? I mean, we had bands here called Machine Gun Fellatio and the Hard-Ons, so...)

Ana thinks the entire decor makes the room look romantic. Um... I'd expect that from someone who'd been in BDSM relationships before and knew what they were talking about, not someone who literally just walked in.

Ana asks him whether he uses his toys on people or if they do it to him. He answers that he does it to women who want him to. Good answer. Ana asks him why she's here if he has willing volunteers.

Um... do you seriously need an answer to that question? Christ, just because you're a virgin, it doesn't mean that you have to be an idiot.

Grey gives her the obvious answer, but Ana's not happy.

He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.

Then go. Leave. Do not remain there. If the thought of staying with and probably sleeping with a guy who likes hurting women makes you sad, get the fuck out of there.

"You're a sadist?"
"I'm a Dominant."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things."
"Why would I do that?"
"To please me."

Sort of. She's supposed to want to please you. Pleasing him should please her. The relationship may seem unequal at a first glance, but everyone's supposed to be getting pleasure out of it. The sub isn't there so the dom can get off while they remain completely unenthusiastic about it. Not to mention, 'in all things' is way too much for a first-timer. Start slow. Then work your way up.

She suddenly realises that pleasing him would please her. OK, but... that, to me, sounds way too... obsessive, I guess, in that it's reminding me of all those crazy couples where the chick's obsessed with the guy and she'll do anything to make him happy even if it hurts her. There's a difference between 'Yes, it would make me happy to see you happy and aroused if you were aroused, but not to the foundation of my being' and 'Let me throw myself at your feet and worship you immediately while I slowly become your mindless pleasure slave!"

Grey explains. He has rules and he wants her to follow them. If she does, there will be rewards. If she does not, there will be punishments. The toys are incentives and part of the rewards and punishments. OK, but... she doesn't know what the hell they are. It'd be like if she was an alien who'd come to Earth knowing nothing about our culture and he offered to cook her a meal, showed her a carrot and told her it would be part of said meal without explaining what it was. He's not telling her anything important, like what the punishments would be. Grey, you are a terrible dom.

He's dangerous to my health, because I know I'm going to say yes. And part of me doesn't want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.

This, here, is a brilliant example of why this book is so terrible.

Ana has been told nothing that she actually needs to know about BDSM and what Grey wants her to do with him. Ana knows nothing about BDSM and the way it works. Ana has no one to ask advice from, no one to talk to about it and no chance to think about it.

This. Isn't. Right.

How is she supposed to make a clear and knowing decision in a situation like this? How can she possibly do what is best for herself when she can't know? Even if she decided to get with him, I wouldn't mind so much if she actually knew what she was doing, but she doesn't, and all we can do is watch helplessly.

Grey takes her down the hall and into a vacant bedroom which will be where she sleeps on the days she's contractually obligated to stay with him.

DUDE. SHE KNOWS NOTHING. WHY ARE YOU CONSIDERING SUCH A DETAILED SET-UP WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING AND WHO YOU ARE REFUSING TO EDUCATE?

Sorry for all the shouting, I just feel like it's the only way to drive back the stupid. I know, I'm wrong.

Not only does she know nothing about BDSM, she knows nothing about him. She hasn't known him for long enough to trust him at all. She doesn't know whether she can stand being around him for this long. She's a virgin- she might absolutely despise kinky sex. I know we've entered an AU with this book where everyone's a fuckwit and sex equals romance, but as a denizen of the real world... *sigh*

"But we won't have any kind of relationship?" I ask.
"No."

What the hell do you think you're asking her into? This is a relationship. It's not what most people would define as one, but it is one.

Ana continually refuses food but drinks. Jesus, book, you don't give someone booze when talking about your relationship!

"No. I haven't signed anything yet, so I think I'll hang on to my free will for a bit longer, if that's okay with you."

This is not Gor. Being a sub does not mean that you lose your free will. BDSM is all about consent. If there is no consent, then it is not BDSM, it is elaborate and intricate torture. Let's say that again: being a sub doesn't mean you lose your free will. Consent must always be there. If it is not, then you've got one fucking big problem.

She asks him some questions. He's had fifteen subs, some for long periods of time. That's... I don't know enough about BDSM to say whether that's an odd number or not, but fifteen... Anyway, he's hurt a sub sometimes, though not badly (though nobody defines this) and he's been beaten himself, though she didn't ask whether this was in a sexual situation or not. Ana, you are bad at questions.

And then we get a contract. It's... wow. I mean, this contract basically says that Ana can't say no to any sexual act Grey wants to do with her. Hell, he can punish her for being in a bad mood when he wants sex! This entire thing screams 'control freak' to me. There's some totally unreasonable things in here- like, for instance, there's a clause that she needs to get at least seven hours of sleep a night when not with him, but he can punish her for just not being able to get to sleep. He controls every fucking part of her life. I know this contract isn't legally binding, but given how little Ana knows about this...

Besides... who the hell tries to pull someone they barely know into something as involved as this? And when will Grey do any work?

They 'negotiate', by which I mean Ana argues for slightly less exercise time while Grey demands that she do exactly what it says on the contract. This is not negotiation. They're not discussing. They're demanding.

We then get a list of 'hard limits', which is basically all the sexual things Grey won't do. There's a solid bit of kink-shaming in there when Ana thinks Any sane person wouldn't want to be involved in this, surely.

Oh, you poor innocent thing. Spend a week or so reading entries on a prolific kink meme. That'll show you everything you never wanted to know.

Anyway, he asks her if she wants to add anything. Ana admits that she doesn't know, because she's a virgin. And Grey gets pissed off. This won't end well.

That was Chapter Seven. Goddamnit.