Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Six
Jul. 17th, 2012 10:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraI am not in a very good mood right now. My older sister has been listening to 'Blow' by Ke$ha nonstop for two days, thus catapulting it to the top of my most played list (seriously, I could handle 'Moves Like Jagger', but 'Blow'? Seriously?) and my timetable for this semester is fucking bad. So, on that note, it's time for a new chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Ana gets into Grey's car. It's an Audi SUV... wait a second. An Audi? They're OK cars, but not what I'd expect from Christian fucking Grey. Why not a Porsche? Or a Lamborghini? Or better yet, a Bugatti? Seriously, if a guy picked up his date in a Bugatti Veyron, I'd vote him the most romantic man of the year, hands down.
And then this happens.
No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman.
Um... dude. It's a kiss, not the Second Coming.
They have a chat about music- Ana falls in love with his background music, the 'Flower Duet' from Lakmé. I find it hard to believe that Ana hasn't heard it before- even if she didn't know what it was called, she should know the damn tune. (You probably do, too. YouTube it.) Grey likes a bit of everything. OK, fair enough. I like that- if he hated everything that wasn't classical, I'd hate him a bit more. But I like a book that doesn't just have a character liking Beethoven and Mozart and claiming he likes all things classical.
Grey gets a business call. He's very terse, and hangs up without saying goodbye or thank you. Ana thanks God that she doesn't work for him because he's so cold and controlling with his employees. Cold I get, but he's not controlling. He told his employee to email some information to him instead of telling him over the phone- OK, he didn't ask or say please, but he's the boss. It's his job to give orders, and he may not be excessively polite, but he's not throwing insults or screaming at them. Besides, he's driving. Why would he want to prolong a conversation while driving when he can just shorten it and therefore wouldn't need to pull over or something? He gets another call from a worker, and then one from Elliot, his brother. Elliot jokes about Grey getting laid, greets Ana, and then Grey arranges to pick him up. Ana gets pissed off that he keeps calling her Anastasia when she asked him to call her Ana. Valid point. Grey's a dick.
Grey has no problem calling Kate by her preferred name when asked. Dick.
Aaaaand Kate and Elliot have Strangled By The Red String syndrome (it's a trope, so I'm not linking- you all need your days)- that is, they fucked once the day they met and now they're in luuuuuurve.
Compliant Kate. Wow, Elliot must be good.
Yeah, what's bad about being able to fuck a girl so hard her entire personality changes and she turns into the shy maiden? Arsehole.
I'm just going to hug my Companion Cube and remind myself that this book is fiction. Excuse me for a moment.
(Yes, I now own a plush Companion Cube. You can get some awesome stuff at anime conventions.)
Ana and Kate do some stereotypical giggling and the like over the guys. They both have dates, so Kate decides that it's makeover time. Cue the montage music!
It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days.
Wow, Kate, way to miss the point. You're supposed to help a friend change her appearance in ways she wants, not fuck her over 'cause that's what the guys want.
Jose, on the other hand, has sent texts and called. Kate, actually getting the point this time, has been covering for Ana. Ana's letting him stew 'cause she's mad at him. OK, but that implies that she intends to forgive him. Given what he did to her, she should be telling him to fuck off. Oh, wait, that would imply that she's not a fuckwit. Sorry.
My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her foot impatiently.
This annoys me. Ana's inner goddess and subconscious are too defined... I'm starting to think that she's got some sort of hallucinatory disorder or something, because this is too weird for an imaginary friend.
Oh, and Ana's going on about how epic the kiss was. Look, I get that someone who didn't know much about sex or sexual assault might be ecstatic about getting kissed by the person they're into, but the fact that Ana didn't object to him pinning her against a wall and forcing himself onto her- and that the book sees nothing wrong with this- makes me mad.
They meet a guy called Joe, who tells Grey that the helicopter's ready to go.
Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian. Perhaps he's not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.
Ana? Everyone deserved the polite treatment from Grey. Everyone. You, his brother, his employees. EVERYONE. Just 'cause Grey likes someone enough to be polite to him, it doesn't mean that the guy deserved it more than anyone else.
In short, fuck you.
Ana gets into the helicopter. Grey straps her in, and I get the feeling that the author didn't know what she was talking about, because a harness should not be so tight that the wearer can barely move. What would she do in an emergency?
Oh, and he says 'over and out'. For those of you who don't know, 'over' means 'I've stopped talking now, please respond' while 'out' means 'The conversation's over, don't respond'. Using them together makes you sound like a fuckwit. Well, an even bigger fuckwit, if that's possible in this book.
Ana spends time wondering what he has in store for her. THIS IS WRONG. ASK HIM. Do NOT walk blindly into a date with a volatile guy when you know there's going to be something weird in it.
There's a lot of bits where Grey talks to the flight towers. Congratulations, you did a little research. Pat yourself on the back and don't write it all out.
Oh, and she feels bad about not calling Jose back. Dude. He sexually assaulted you. Do not be nice to him.
She's all scared about Grey and sex and... Christ, this is why you talk to someone. Be honest. Don't throw yourself into it, because it probably won't end well.
He tells her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. Grey? She's stuck in your house. This isn't the moment to be all caring. You flat out stated that the kind of sex you want with her would scare her. Fucking hell.
She says that she'd never do anything she didn't want to. Except that this entire book happened because she did something she didn't want to. Christ.
After a page or two of Ana gasping about how epic Grey and his penthouse is... hang on. He gives her wine. Before the sex he admitted would scare her.
I DON'T CARE HOW LIGHT IT IS, YOU DO NOT GIVE SOMEONE ALCOHOL BEFORE SEX.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT THEY'RE GETTING INTO.
They compare themselves to everyone in Tess of the D'Urbervilles (bad comparison, bad comparison!) and then offers her two choices with him: debasement or holding her to an impossibly high standard, a la Alec and Angel. She instantly picks the debasement without asking any questions or... Christ, she's an idiot. She has no idea what she's talking about... Anyway, he gives her a non-disclosure agreement that she has to sign before any debasing happens. She signs it without reading it *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* and thus only has Grey's word on what's in it.
First, I don't make love. I fuck... hard.
And I make myself sound like Austin Powers while I do it. Oh, be-have!
And oh, this is wrong. These concepts are not the same thing. If Ana wants some nice, gentle sex and Grey wants to go all out, then they need to talk about it. If he does the latter while she expects the former, then that is really fucking wrong. And he clearly isn't getting the point- for this to work, the decisions have to be mutual. If she wants one thing and you can't do it, and you want one thing that she won't do, then don't have sex. If having sex will make someone unhappy, then don't do it.
I wouldn't mind if they talked about it and made a conscious choice, and she knew what was going to happen when she got fucked hard as opposed to making love, but this is Fifty Shades of Grey. What's the chance?
Christ, this guy is a bad dom. 'No, you do what I want to do!' No discussing, no queries, just what he wants. And he gives a potential sub alcohol. Fucker.
And lest we forget, this is a chick he barely knows. Fucking hell, this is stupid.
Seriously, dude, you like Kings of Leon. Haven't you ever heard of Tenacious D and their song 'Fuck Her Gently'? Sometimes you've just got to fuck her gently, dude.
Anyway, he takes her to his playroom and reassures her that she can go any time she wants. She tells him to open the damn door, and he does. And we don't get to find out what's in it, besides the fact that it makes her think of the Spanish Inquisition. Dun dun dun!
Also, does anyone else never want to see 'Spanish Inquisition' connected to sex, ever?
That's chapter six. Next chapter... oh, boy.
Ana gets into Grey's car. It's an Audi SUV... wait a second. An Audi? They're OK cars, but not what I'd expect from Christian fucking Grey. Why not a Porsche? Or a Lamborghini? Or better yet, a Bugatti? Seriously, if a guy picked up his date in a Bugatti Veyron, I'd vote him the most romantic man of the year, hands down.
And then this happens.
No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman.
Um... dude. It's a kiss, not the Second Coming.
They have a chat about music- Ana falls in love with his background music, the 'Flower Duet' from Lakmé. I find it hard to believe that Ana hasn't heard it before- even if she didn't know what it was called, she should know the damn tune. (You probably do, too. YouTube it.) Grey likes a bit of everything. OK, fair enough. I like that- if he hated everything that wasn't classical, I'd hate him a bit more. But I like a book that doesn't just have a character liking Beethoven and Mozart and claiming he likes all things classical.
Grey gets a business call. He's very terse, and hangs up without saying goodbye or thank you. Ana thanks God that she doesn't work for him because he's so cold and controlling with his employees. Cold I get, but he's not controlling. He told his employee to email some information to him instead of telling him over the phone- OK, he didn't ask or say please, but he's the boss. It's his job to give orders, and he may not be excessively polite, but he's not throwing insults or screaming at them. Besides, he's driving. Why would he want to prolong a conversation while driving when he can just shorten it and therefore wouldn't need to pull over or something? He gets another call from a worker, and then one from Elliot, his brother. Elliot jokes about Grey getting laid, greets Ana, and then Grey arranges to pick him up. Ana gets pissed off that he keeps calling her Anastasia when she asked him to call her Ana. Valid point. Grey's a dick.
Grey has no problem calling Kate by her preferred name when asked. Dick.
Aaaaand Kate and Elliot have Strangled By The Red String syndrome (it's a trope, so I'm not linking- you all need your days)- that is, they fucked once the day they met and now they're in luuuuuurve.
Compliant Kate. Wow, Elliot must be good.
Yeah, what's bad about being able to fuck a girl so hard her entire personality changes and she turns into the shy maiden? Arsehole.
I'm just going to hug my Companion Cube and remind myself that this book is fiction. Excuse me for a moment.
(Yes, I now own a plush Companion Cube. You can get some awesome stuff at anime conventions.)
Ana and Kate do some stereotypical giggling and the like over the guys. They both have dates, so Kate decides that it's makeover time. Cue the montage music!
It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days.
Wow, Kate, way to miss the point. You're supposed to help a friend change her appearance in ways she wants, not fuck her over 'cause that's what the guys want.
Jose, on the other hand, has sent texts and called. Kate, actually getting the point this time, has been covering for Ana. Ana's letting him stew 'cause she's mad at him. OK, but that implies that she intends to forgive him. Given what he did to her, she should be telling him to fuck off. Oh, wait, that would imply that she's not a fuckwit. Sorry.
My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her foot impatiently.
This annoys me. Ana's inner goddess and subconscious are too defined... I'm starting to think that she's got some sort of hallucinatory disorder or something, because this is too weird for an imaginary friend.
Oh, and Ana's going on about how epic the kiss was. Look, I get that someone who didn't know much about sex or sexual assault might be ecstatic about getting kissed by the person they're into, but the fact that Ana didn't object to him pinning her against a wall and forcing himself onto her- and that the book sees nothing wrong with this- makes me mad.
They meet a guy called Joe, who tells Grey that the helicopter's ready to go.
Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian. Perhaps he's not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.
Ana? Everyone deserved the polite treatment from Grey. Everyone. You, his brother, his employees. EVERYONE. Just 'cause Grey likes someone enough to be polite to him, it doesn't mean that the guy deserved it more than anyone else.
In short, fuck you.
Ana gets into the helicopter. Grey straps her in, and I get the feeling that the author didn't know what she was talking about, because a harness should not be so tight that the wearer can barely move. What would she do in an emergency?
Oh, and he says 'over and out'. For those of you who don't know, 'over' means 'I've stopped talking now, please respond' while 'out' means 'The conversation's over, don't respond'. Using them together makes you sound like a fuckwit. Well, an even bigger fuckwit, if that's possible in this book.
Ana spends time wondering what he has in store for her. THIS IS WRONG. ASK HIM. Do NOT walk blindly into a date with a volatile guy when you know there's going to be something weird in it.
There's a lot of bits where Grey talks to the flight towers. Congratulations, you did a little research. Pat yourself on the back and don't write it all out.
Oh, and she feels bad about not calling Jose back. Dude. He sexually assaulted you. Do not be nice to him.
She's all scared about Grey and sex and... Christ, this is why you talk to someone. Be honest. Don't throw yourself into it, because it probably won't end well.
He tells her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. Grey? She's stuck in your house. This isn't the moment to be all caring. You flat out stated that the kind of sex you want with her would scare her. Fucking hell.
She says that she'd never do anything she didn't want to. Except that this entire book happened because she did something she didn't want to. Christ.
After a page or two of Ana gasping about how epic Grey and his penthouse is... hang on. He gives her wine. Before the sex he admitted would scare her.
I DON'T CARE HOW LIGHT IT IS, YOU DO NOT GIVE SOMEONE ALCOHOL BEFORE SEX.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT THEY'RE GETTING INTO.
They compare themselves to everyone in Tess of the D'Urbervilles (bad comparison, bad comparison!) and then offers her two choices with him: debasement or holding her to an impossibly high standard, a la Alec and Angel. She instantly picks the debasement without asking any questions or... Christ, she's an idiot. She has no idea what she's talking about... Anyway, he gives her a non-disclosure agreement that she has to sign before any debasing happens. She signs it without reading it *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* and thus only has Grey's word on what's in it.
First, I don't make love. I fuck... hard.
And I make myself sound like Austin Powers while I do it. Oh, be-have!
And oh, this is wrong. These concepts are not the same thing. If Ana wants some nice, gentle sex and Grey wants to go all out, then they need to talk about it. If he does the latter while she expects the former, then that is really fucking wrong. And he clearly isn't getting the point- for this to work, the decisions have to be mutual. If she wants one thing and you can't do it, and you want one thing that she won't do, then don't have sex. If having sex will make someone unhappy, then don't do it.
I wouldn't mind if they talked about it and made a conscious choice, and she knew what was going to happen when she got fucked hard as opposed to making love, but this is Fifty Shades of Grey. What's the chance?
Christ, this guy is a bad dom. 'No, you do what I want to do!' No discussing, no queries, just what he wants. And he gives a potential sub alcohol. Fucker.
And lest we forget, this is a chick he barely knows. Fucking hell, this is stupid.
Seriously, dude, you like Kings of Leon. Haven't you ever heard of Tenacious D and their song 'Fuck Her Gently'? Sometimes you've just got to fuck her gently, dude.
Anyway, he takes her to his playroom and reassures her that she can go any time she wants. She tells him to open the damn door, and he does. And we don't get to find out what's in it, besides the fact that it makes her think of the Spanish Inquisition. Dun dun dun!
Also, does anyone else never want to see 'Spanish Inquisition' connected to sex, ever?
That's chapter six. Next chapter... oh, boy.
