Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter Two
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astra_auroraFuck this stupid fucking book. All the Maroon 5 in the world (and videos where Adam Levine's shirtless) aren't going to get me through this alive.
So, Ana gets out of the elevator, and... wait.
'stumbling but fortunately not sprawling onto the immaculate sandstone floor'
Please excuse me for a moment while I emulate Angry Joe in Suburban Knights.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO, NO NO NO!
Why? Why would you show off that you obviously know jack shit about geology and architecture? Why, James, why?
Fucker probably can't tell agate from tiger's eye.
I should mention at this point that it's been a long day. I may get bitchy.
Well, bitchier.
Anyway, Ana angsts over why Grey made her feel that way.
'No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why.'
Well, you see, Ana, there are these things called hormones. When a woman meets another human being she is attracted to, they come into play. It's all part of being an adult.
Anyway, as she drives home, Ana replays the interview, looking at it with a more logical mindset, and finally concludes that he acted like he has a hidden agenda, Kate's questions were fucking stupid, and she really needed a freaking biography.
Well done, Ana, there may be hope for you yet.
Sorry, was I being optimistic again? I'll just go find the ice pick.
Ana gets home, worried that Kate will want a 'blow by blow' account.
Wow, Ana, do you tell her everything? I mean, some things are a bit personal to- oh. Right. Sorry, forgot that they hadn't got to the sex yet.
Ana and Kate chat. Kate apologises for the lack of recorder- apparently, she was in a panic. I don't accept that as an excuse, but nobody consulted me and Ana's a bloody doormat, so she just nods and smiles and goes off to her shift. She works for a hardware store, and has done for years, so she knows a bit about everything, but can't do DIY to save her life. Fair enough.
Once she gets back, Kate thanks her for the interview material and basically does the between-the-lines equivalent of shouting 'He likes you, you like him, y u no try to get with him, bb?'. Kate, as we see here, never drops the subject and obviously has no concept of the term 'personal boundaries'. I hate her already. Although seriously, if Ana describes Kate's features as 'perfect' again, I'm going to think that she's got a serious thing for her.
After that, Ana works on her essay (Tess of the D'Urbervilles, if you were wondering) and goes to bed. She and Kate spend the rest of the week studying, working and recuperating. And then Ana calls her mother. Surprisingly, we don't get a name. What we do get is a slapdash attempt to throw a personality together: her mother apparently has the attention span of a goldfish, gets bored a lot, throws herself into business ventures and is on her third husband. And yet we don't get a name. Hmmm. *strokes chin*
After that, Ana calls her stepdad, Ray. Ray is husband number two, and is the one Ana considers her father (and who she shares her name with). Ray isn't a talker, we learn, but he did teach Ana some stuff about carpentry, which probably came in handy at her hardware store.
Why do I get the feeling that things are going to rapidly get worse from here?
Well, let's go see...
Ana's friend Jose arrives. Jose is another student, an engineering major who loves photography. He and Ana met on their first day and have been friends ever since- and their fathers are friends, 'cause they served in the same army unit together. Ana explains that while Jose wants to be more than friends, to her, he's the brother she never had. She also mentions that she's never felt attracted to anyone, but she does want to be in love.
Oh, yeah. Jose is basically Jacob with a name swap. This book is just so bloody obvious.
So our heroine is either asexual or a late bloomer. Fair enough. Anyway, she monologues a bit about how she used to wonder if there was something wrong with her, and thought that maybe her love of books had made her expectations too high, but finally just realised that she'd never met anyone attractive. Been in that boat myself. And then I discovered people. People are fun.
The scene switches to Saturday at the hardware store. Apparently, it's a nightmare, but, as I've noticed before, the book has a habit of rushing along everything that's not plot-related, but it does so in a certain way. It's like the book's screaming 'Ana has depth! Ana has a life outside Grey! Look, family! Look, friends! Look, a job! Look, see how deep I am! I'm totally not trashy erotica shit! Aren't I? Aren't I?'.
And then... a wild Grey appears!
Could I get a shocked gasp, please? Just for added atmosphere?
Grey 'just happened' to be in the area. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Either that or Aornis Hades is matchmaking again.
OK, he actually was just in the area, looking at some farming research he's funding. Carry on, Aornis.
Grey is looking for masking tape, cable ties and rope. We all know he's into bondage, but does anyone else think it also sounds like he's going to go abduct someone?
Ana does her job and asks him if there's anything else he'll need. He asks her what she'd recommend, and she suggests coveralls, to protect his clothes. Given the descriptions, I'm getting the idea that Grey thinks Ana should know what he's going to do with the objects. That, and everything he says is full of innuendo. Oh, and then he sexually harasses her.
'You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing.' I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans.
'I could always take them off,' he smirks.
Christian Grey has officially been reclassified as a bona fide arsehole.
Also, Ana, can you please stop talking about how gorgeous he is? I seriously do not give a fuck. I like men who aren't arseholes. OK, I know I'm not the book's target market, but seriously, even housewives'll get bored of this shit eventually.
Grey asks her about the article. Ana tells him that it's coming along nicely, and that Kate wished she got some photos. Grey intimates that he'd be willing to do a photo shoot, and gives her his card. That was nice of him, I guess, but... remember all that shit about appointments in chapter one?
God, you're not even trying for consistency, are you, James?
One of Ana's coworkers turns up, the brother of the owner of the shop. He's basically there just so Edward- sorry, I mean Christian- can get jealous. I think we're meant to find that sexy.
Anyway, Ana finally admits that she likes him, and the chapter ends.
Thank God. I'm going to go waste my evening on something totally unproductive but better than this shit. Or, basically, everything else on the planet.
So, Ana gets out of the elevator, and... wait.
'stumbling but fortunately not sprawling onto the immaculate sandstone floor'
Please excuse me for a moment while I emulate Angry Joe in Suburban Knights.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO, NO NO NO!
Why? Why would you show off that you obviously know jack shit about geology and architecture? Why, James, why?
Fucker probably can't tell agate from tiger's eye.
I should mention at this point that it's been a long day. I may get bitchy.
Well, bitchier.
Anyway, Ana angsts over why Grey made her feel that way.
'No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why.'
Well, you see, Ana, there are these things called hormones. When a woman meets another human being she is attracted to, they come into play. It's all part of being an adult.
Anyway, as she drives home, Ana replays the interview, looking at it with a more logical mindset, and finally concludes that he acted like he has a hidden agenda, Kate's questions were fucking stupid, and she really needed a freaking biography.
Well done, Ana, there may be hope for you yet.
Sorry, was I being optimistic again? I'll just go find the ice pick.
Ana gets home, worried that Kate will want a 'blow by blow' account.
Wow, Ana, do you tell her everything? I mean, some things are a bit personal to- oh. Right. Sorry, forgot that they hadn't got to the sex yet.
Ana and Kate chat. Kate apologises for the lack of recorder- apparently, she was in a panic. I don't accept that as an excuse, but nobody consulted me and Ana's a bloody doormat, so she just nods and smiles and goes off to her shift. She works for a hardware store, and has done for years, so she knows a bit about everything, but can't do DIY to save her life. Fair enough.
Once she gets back, Kate thanks her for the interview material and basically does the between-the-lines equivalent of shouting 'He likes you, you like him, y u no try to get with him, bb?'. Kate, as we see here, never drops the subject and obviously has no concept of the term 'personal boundaries'. I hate her already. Although seriously, if Ana describes Kate's features as 'perfect' again, I'm going to think that she's got a serious thing for her.
After that, Ana works on her essay (Tess of the D'Urbervilles, if you were wondering) and goes to bed. She and Kate spend the rest of the week studying, working and recuperating. And then Ana calls her mother. Surprisingly, we don't get a name. What we do get is a slapdash attempt to throw a personality together: her mother apparently has the attention span of a goldfish, gets bored a lot, throws herself into business ventures and is on her third husband. And yet we don't get a name. Hmmm. *strokes chin*
After that, Ana calls her stepdad, Ray. Ray is husband number two, and is the one Ana considers her father (and who she shares her name with). Ray isn't a talker, we learn, but he did teach Ana some stuff about carpentry, which probably came in handy at her hardware store.
Why do I get the feeling that things are going to rapidly get worse from here?
Well, let's go see...
Ana's friend Jose arrives. Jose is another student, an engineering major who loves photography. He and Ana met on their first day and have been friends ever since- and their fathers are friends, 'cause they served in the same army unit together. Ana explains that while Jose wants to be more than friends, to her, he's the brother she never had. She also mentions that she's never felt attracted to anyone, but she does want to be in love.
Oh, yeah. Jose is basically Jacob with a name swap. This book is just so bloody obvious.
So our heroine is either asexual or a late bloomer. Fair enough. Anyway, she monologues a bit about how she used to wonder if there was something wrong with her, and thought that maybe her love of books had made her expectations too high, but finally just realised that she'd never met anyone attractive. Been in that boat myself. And then I discovered people. People are fun.
The scene switches to Saturday at the hardware store. Apparently, it's a nightmare, but, as I've noticed before, the book has a habit of rushing along everything that's not plot-related, but it does so in a certain way. It's like the book's screaming 'Ana has depth! Ana has a life outside Grey! Look, family! Look, friends! Look, a job! Look, see how deep I am! I'm totally not trashy erotica shit! Aren't I? Aren't I?'.
And then... a wild Grey appears!
Could I get a shocked gasp, please? Just for added atmosphere?
Grey 'just happened' to be in the area. Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Either that or Aornis Hades is matchmaking again.
OK, he actually was just in the area, looking at some farming research he's funding. Carry on, Aornis.
Grey is looking for masking tape, cable ties and rope. We all know he's into bondage, but does anyone else think it also sounds like he's going to go abduct someone?
Ana does her job and asks him if there's anything else he'll need. He asks her what she'd recommend, and she suggests coveralls, to protect his clothes. Given the descriptions, I'm getting the idea that Grey thinks Ana should know what he's going to do with the objects. That, and everything he says is full of innuendo. Oh, and then he sexually harasses her.
'You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing.' I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans.
'I could always take them off,' he smirks.
Christian Grey has officially been reclassified as a bona fide arsehole.
Also, Ana, can you please stop talking about how gorgeous he is? I seriously do not give a fuck. I like men who aren't arseholes. OK, I know I'm not the book's target market, but seriously, even housewives'll get bored of this shit eventually.
Grey asks her about the article. Ana tells him that it's coming along nicely, and that Kate wished she got some photos. Grey intimates that he'd be willing to do a photo shoot, and gives her his card. That was nice of him, I guess, but... remember all that shit about appointments in chapter one?
God, you're not even trying for consistency, are you, James?
One of Ana's coworkers turns up, the brother of the owner of the shop. He's basically there just so Edward- sorry, I mean Christian- can get jealous. I think we're meant to find that sexy.
Anyway, Ana finally admits that she likes him, and the chapter ends.
Thank God. I'm going to go waste my evening on something totally unproductive but better than this shit. Or, basically, everything else on the planet.
