astra_aurora | Fifty Shades of Fail: Chapter One

Hello and welcome to Fifty Shades of Fail, my new series, wherein I will spork Fifty Shades of Grey in an effort to demonstrate exactly how much this book sucks. I'll update a couple of times a week, or basically whenever I feel up to it. And once I'm done, I'm going to spend a few hours thinking up a decent way to dispose of this goddamn book. I should warn you now: throughout the series, there will be depictions of sex scenes, and, knowing me, a lot of swearing. Be warned.

Oh, Christ, this is going to suck.

Well, here we go.

We begin with our protagonist- sorry, did I say protagonist? I'm tempted to use 'talky-person' instead, but I think I'll just go with 'POV character'- Anastasia Steele, staring at herself in a mirror and bitching about her hair. You see, Ana's best friend, Kate, is the editor of the student newspaper, and she had an interview to do, but she got terribly sick with the flu. Given how much effort and time it took to procure this interview, and how difficult it would be to reschedule, and how sick Kate is, of course she cannot go herself, so Ana, being the kind and generous soul that she is, has... well, not happily, but she has agreed to go in Kate's stead.

Wait, what?

OK, not only is that the most contrived excuse to get our female POV character (I'll just say 'POVC' for simplicity) into the same room as our male POVC that I've ever seen, but it's also bullshit. If Grey is so busy, then why did he agree to an interview at all? Why not just send him the questions, or do a phone interview? I can get that Kate might not want to annoy Grey by spending so much effort on an interview she has to cancel, but why ask Ana? Why not ask someone who's, y'know, actually involved with the student paper, and who doesn't have 'final exams to cram for and one essay to finish'? Book, why must you make my head hurt so much when I'm only a page in?

So Kate apologises for getting Ana to go, Ana does the whole 'I'll pretend it's fine even though I'm secretly pissed off' thing, and then Kate gives her a recorder and the questions. Ana is momentarily worried because she knows nothing about Grey, but Kate tells her that the questions will tell her everything she needs to know and sends her off.

Hang on. From the sounds of things, Ana's been preparing for a while at least. Did she seriously not have five minutes to look him up online? Or couldn't Kate have given her a summary?

Anyway, Ana thinks about how great a friend and future journalist Kate is in terms that make me think Ana might have a serious thing for her, and heads off. She manages to get there early- 'There', for the record, being Grey House, the main building of Grey Enterprises Holdings, and the current location of our male POVC, Christian Grey, an enigmatic ~~arsehole~~ businessman. I was going to write something about the terrible phrasing used in the description, but then I read this:

'Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me.'

If that does not immediately piss you off, read it again and try spotting the odd thing out.

OK, I'll give you a hand.

SOLID SANDSTONE? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? How much effort would that take? Why would you bother? What would the fucking point be? God, just say marble-topped, that gets the point across!

Calm down, self.

OK. Ana signs in, completely misses the point of a visitors' badge, and we get about five or so reminders that she's not dressed very smartly (at least by comparison) in about a page and a half. Remember how in Twilight, we got Bella wangsting over how clumsy she is? Looks like this might be Fifty Shades' closest equivalent. After this, Ana angsts about how Kate didn't give her any info on Grey (seriously, Kate sucks as a friend if she couldn't even write down a paragraph or two before sending Ana off on a 165 mile drive) and how she'd rather be by herself at home, reading a classic British novel.

Or, y'know, doing some study like you were meant to be doing.

Also, anyone want to bet that Ana will read absolutely zero novels throughout the book?

OK, back to the story. Ana makes a comment that actually makes me giggle- 'What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It's like Stepford here' and wonders if Grey only hires blondes (and if that's legal), and then it's time for her interview. Unluckily, she falls over while walking in. So, I guess she's either Bella's even clumsier cousin, or this really is just a Twilight fanfic with the names changed.

Anyway, Grey helps her up, but he thinks she's Kate, so... wait. When Ana entered the building, she identified herself as 'Anastasia Steele for Katherine Kavanagh'. Did Grey's admin assistant not tell him that someone claiming to act for Kate had arrived? I know I'd want to be informed if someone I was going to meet with had been replaced by someone else and I hadn't been told in advance.

Ana basically displays her clumsiness in conducting an interview and setting up a recorder, making me wonder why the fuck Kate didn't get someone else to do it. This is just stupid. The interview, Grey tells us, is going to appear in the graduation issue of the student newspaper, because he'll be the one giving the students their degrees.

Ana starts by asking him what he owes his success to. Grey says it's because he employs good people, pays them well, works very hard, and knows everything about every scheme his enterprise works on. Ana suggests that he's lucky, and internally bitches about his arrogance.

Dude, seriously? He's about thirty, he's a multi-millionaire, and he's running a successful, worldwide business. Not only should he know exactly what he's talking about, I think he's got a right to be a bit arrogant. Besides, exactly what in that reply was arrogant? OK, maybe he went on a bit about how good he is at judging people and finding good ideas, but given how successful he is and how young he is, he'd have to be pretty damn good at it to get that level of success. Besides, he said 'The bottom line is it's always down to good people'. Not 'it's down to how good I am at judging people' or 'it's down to how skilled I am'. He complimented his staff.

And then Ana calls him a control freak to his face.

OK, Kate should not have sent Ana to do this. She should have sent someone who knows how to conduct a fucking interview. This is not how you talk to a distinguished, powerful businessman who was nice enough to grant your friend an interview. The fuck is going on here?

Anyway, she asks him if he feels that he has immense power, and he points out that he employs forty thousand people, so if he stopped being in the business and sacked them, they'd all be struggling. This pisses Ana off, but he's not bragging or gloating, he's stating a fact. He runs- and owns- the fucking company. Employing all those people does give him power- and responsibility, as he pointed out himself. Ana asks him about his outside interests, and he gives the traditional cliched 'rich and powerful' answers- he sails, he flies, he indulges in 'various physical pursuits'.

This couldn't be... foreshadowing, could it? Le gasp!

Anyway, Ana asks him if his friends would say he's easy to get to know, and instantly regrets it. He says he's a very private person and doesn't often do interviews... and then he explains that Kate basically badgered his PR people and he just agreed to make her go away. That, and he's a benefactor of the university.

Finally, something that makes some fucking sense!

Anyway, we find out that Grey invests in farming technologies, because he wants to feed the world's poor. Ana is confused, wondering where the financial benefit is in that. Jesus Christ, not everything's about money. Just 'cause you think he's an arrogant bastard, it doesn't mean he can't want to end world hunger. Ana asks him about his philosophy, and he quotes Carnegie and admits that he likes control and possessing things, but that ultimately, he also wants to deserve to possess them. I can understand that.

Ana asks some rather personal questions- Grey basically ignores the questions about his adoption, admits that he has no plans to extend his family beyond what it is currently (happily married parents and a brother and sister), and then Ana asks if he's gay, and hastily says that it was a prescribed question from Kate. OK, where the fuck did Kate get the idea that it would be all right to ask Grey such personal questions? And why ask? Is it necessary to know about his family life or his sexuality? The fuck? Also, Ana had a little time before the meeting- why didn't she have a look at the freaking questions first?

Grey works out, through a few well-placed questions, that Ana is not part of the newspaper, did not write the questions and is only there because Kate can't be, which has to relieve the poor man a bit. One of the Interchangeable Blondes comes in to tell him that his next meeting's about to occur, but he tells her to cancel.

Hang on. Wasn't Grey booked up to hell and back? Suddenly he can cancel on a whim?

Grey now wants to know about Ana. He asks her what she intends to do after graduating, and she admits that he doesn't have a fixed plan beyond 'Move to Seattle with Kate; find a job'. He mentions their internship program. Ana says that she won't fit in, shakes off his offer of a tour, and manages to make her excuses and get the hell out, though there's a few lines that makes it sound like they're a cartoon villain and hero doing the whole 'We will meet again!" bullshit.

Thus concludes chapter one. Somehow, I doubt this is going to get any better.